Some crazy crap stuffs

I had a mix of good and bad times last month. Or I should correct it saying it as a long story which ended up in a very disgusting note! I want to share it with you all. It may sound silly to a few of you, but yes, such disgusting things do happen!

Before that I need to give a name to the hero of the story. Let’s call him Mr: F. A typical flirt in his words, but he spoke to me frankly (I still believe so!), whenever we were together. Every time he came and sat near me, talking to me about him, his friends, his previous jobs, his alcoholism (We used to talk about everything under the sun very openly), I listened to him with all my heart. Slowly I started feeling a friendly bondage between us. Even though he used to tell me that he loves 'flirting' with girls I never felt he 'flirted' with me, as he always spoke in a truly matter-of-fact fashion.

Gradually I started feeling that he can become a good friend of mine, someone beyond the usual ‘hai-bye’ relations that I have had in my city life. You may ask me the reasons that lead me to such a conclusion. Nothing much, it’s basically his frankness (as I said I still believe him, unless and until I see something the other way, before me.).

After having a few bad experiences in choosing friends, I wanted to take a slow step, and wanted to know what is in Mr:F’s mind. So I told him very frankly about my wish. He replied that he doesn’t trust his emotions and the way he may handle the relationship with me later on. He feared that he may take a bad move that may spoil our friendship, and hurt me. I assured him that such things won’t happen and I am matured enough to know my limits. But as he had such a strong fear I withdrew from that attempt, and was ready to maintain the good relationship that I had with him. I felt so proud that he told things openly and was so happy that he told me things clearly and was so happy about the fact that he doesn’t want to hurt me through any bad moves from his side.

I started behaving normally from the next day, but I noticed that he was trying to keep away from me. All that started with a silly joke that I cracked in front of him and a few other friends. Taking that as a reason he started staying away from me and behaving rudely. Both of us used to say even worst jokes before, but neither of us bothered to take things to heart.

In the beginning I thought that it was my bad joke that made him move away from me. I told him sorry for what I said, but his reply was shocking, wanna know?

‘Get lost you *****.’

Yes! Exactly the same words!

I was struck dumb; absolutely speechless for a moment when I saw these words in my chat window. When I regained myself from the shock I felt tears rolling down my eyes; yes I was about to cry. I still don’t know why, but those words literally pierced my heart.

I tried talking to him a few more times and yet there was no change in his behavior. Slowly I stopped my attempts as I used to get badly insulted, whenever I tried talking to him.

Gradually both of us started behaving like strangers, and this became a hot topic between the people who know us. Many came up with questions, but I didn’t reveal anything. Finally a mutual friend of ours asked me the reason and I had to literally omit the truth. She later asked him the reason why he is behaving oddly towards me, giving people a chance to cook up stories. The answer that he gave her was absolutely disgusting and silly. He told her that he doesn’t want me to feel some crush for him, and hence felt like staying away from me!

It was a shock for me! The guy who had frankly admitted two weeks before this incident, that he was feeling attracted towards me, turned out very gentlemanly before our mutual friend, making me an ugly face before her.

But lucky I was, as our mutual friend could see my frankness and the pain that I was undergoing, very clearly from my eyes.

Sadly I closed the chapter with a bad note! At times people are not what they seem!

Donno why, but I still want to take Mr: F as a good person, and may be some unavoidable circumstances might have made him say that.

He is still walking around me with his bag of pride, and as I am getting used to it I don’t give much attention to him these days.

Just bad dream which I know I can forget soon! Yes, I want to conclude with such a note! With such a hope!

Who am I?

Who are you? Define yourself? When Shirley came up with this question yesterday I was literally speechless. I was not able to give her an answer. To be frank I'm still pondering what it really means! How to define myself! To be frank I had never thought about this question before and was not able to get the right path of thoughts.

I have to admit that till now someone or the other channelized my thoughts, whether to right or wrong. Whether it injured me or not I always danced according to those tunes. I won a few in my life, but lost many, including a heart that’s now cold & hard, well set to have any number of unpleasant incidents. Career, relationships, money and all other things; I never opened my eyes and looked at them. I always tried to see it through my past. But now I strongly feel that this process of self-discovery, understanding and acceptance will surely help me to get out of the entire crisis that I have been carrying throughout. Now I am taking time to look within and understand me, rather than persistently focusing on what I was without, what I was denied or what I lost.

‘How are you?’ we ask this question a thousand times daily. But no one would ask ‘WHO am I?’ to him/her. When Shirley asked me yesterday it was like a hard slap on my face. Seriously speaking, I had never thought about it till now. To be frank so many questions arrive at my doorstep, about the people I dealt with, the decisions I made; innumerable number of questions I should say. Somehow or the other I am here now, but when I deeply think about this question and try to understand me more I see a new Anjana before me. I feel as if I was just trying to become someone or something throughout these years that I think would have made me happy. I tried stepping into jobs & friendships that were not satisfying me. My eyes were totally veiled by a mirage like ambiguity till now, not really knowing who I am.

Well, to know ‘Who I am?’ I think I should first know ‘Who I am not?’ Because I now feel that I am not what I do mostly in life these days or who other people want me to be.
The answer to ‘Who am I?’ is coming out with the distinctiveness in me; what makes you happy? What excites me? What scares me? What makes me feel lively inside? Who am I when no one else is around me?

I am trying to peel out the back layers to get the real me inside it. The layers include what I was told to be, who I believed I should be, the false personas that I developed, either to tackle or to cover-up my unpleasant experiences.

I know that this is not easy, as the process of becoming clear is like a course that never ends. The dead and decayed layers have to go from me to make me clearer. This blog is my first step to start self discovery.

I am gonna start with the small tip that I got yesterday from her. She said to write about me sincerely just like how we do in slam books. I am gonna write about me, my likes and dislikes, to know my core qualities that make me unique. I know that it is not as easy as I write SEO works, yet I have gained the determination to do that at any cost.

I am planning to spend some time on this exercise for the next few days and see what the outcome is. I know very well that self-discovery is timeless. But I am not planning to beat my head up against the wall to figure out what I want and how to get it. I am gathering the potential to be patient to set my intention to find more about me!

I am giving up my greatest addiction

To give up something that we love the most, is very difficult, and rather challenging. One such was my addiction to coffee that our ‘chaya cheettan’ brings (Though he brings coffee more than tea, we call him ‘chaya cheettan’, (for the non natives- chaya in Malayalam means tea) for reasons unknown.).

In the beginning I didn’t have much interest in the grotesquely bitter taste of the coffee, as I was a tea lover. But slowly I started finding it difficult to survive without coffee.

Yes, caffeine, the magic potion that made me do innumerable things at a time, without getting tired, was slowly overpowering me.

Usually we get the coffee by 12 noon, as ours is the last session of his journey throughout the city. So the coffee comes just half an hour before our lunch. I fell madly in love with that coffee and was slowly getting addicted to it. The addiction became clear when I couldn't have that cofee, as he didn't turn up with coffee one day. I started feeling restless and uneasy, a kind of‘withdrawal symptom’ I should say. This got repeated for a few more times, whenever he didn’t turn up, making it clear that the coffee was overpowering me. The funniest part of the story is that, I have this irritation only when I am in the office, and not at home, or in the hostel.

So on one fine day, I took the boldest decision to stop coffee. I was sure that it would be the most difficult task, as I was addicted to a-coffee-a-day habit, and had this as a part of my life for almost one and a half years. The lovely aroma of the coffee that ‘chaya chettan’ brings had thus almost seduced me by that time. As I said I rarely bother about it when I am at home. It’s a working day syndrome.

The very next day when ‘chaya cheettan’ came with a tray full of cups of coffee I purposefully ignored it. If I look at them my hands will involuntarily rise to take up one from them. He served the coffee to all my colleagues and left. I watched him going out and felt upset. Yes, the withdrawal symptoms were slowly rising in me. I tried to concentrate on my work, but headache and irritation persisted the whole day, and I just managed to do the work and reached hostel soon and had my tea.

The symptoms were much less the next day.

Gone cold turkey literally, as it’s my Day 5 without coffee and seems I have tried to overcome my withdrawal symptoms to a considerable extend.

The headaches and irritations at the beginning were so bad, but now, a kinda ok. I drink water or have some fruits at the coffee time, and satisfy myself, while the others have the yummy coffee… But no more nightmarish nasty consequences of caffeine dear guys...…

Time for a break!!!

A day without any tensions, I had a very happy time on Monday. A whole day without my PC and cell phone, a very happy non-online world, I badly wanted that, to get rid of the exhaustion that I had, after putting a hell of toil on my recent projects. Moreover the menstrual cramps were just killing me!!!

I crawled out of my bed only at 8 in the morning, had my coffee and breakfast, and came back to my room soon. The first thing that I did was changing my phone to silent mode. Actually I wanted to switch off my cell phone, but didn’t want my mom to get worried, and hence chose ‘silent mode’ as the best option. I had a book with me, but didn’t feel like hurting my eyes. They badly needed rest for a day. My roommate left by 9 am. I closed the door and jumped back to my bed. I felt so happy, even though I was alone, coz I was free of deadlines, at least for a day. I slept till 12.30!!! Yes, no one who knows me would believe this! But I really did! Getting sound and restful sleep for three hours is really great. That even took away my menstrual cramps and I felt absolutely fresh afterward.

The cleaning staff came by 12.30 or else I would have slept half an hour more. (lol).

After lunch I thought of going out for a walk, but the scorching heat wiped out that idea from my mind. What next? Well, I didn’t want to sleep again. Yes, the book, I thought of reading it and was about to take it, when my friend came in to my room. She had gone to attend her exam. We had a nice time together and talked about some interesting topics. By four I went to the mess hall to have my tea, and she went back to her room. I came back with a cup of tea for her. While she had her tea I had some snacks that she offered, luckily some of them were my true favorites like tea rusks.

My roommate came back by 5.30 and was surprised to see me fresh and lively, as she thought I would have felt really boring, being alone in the hostel. I told her that I had a wonderful day. She was very happy to hear that. I really had a nice time, no matter being alone or not. I did whatever I felt like, never had any restraints of any sort, and didn’t think of any of the disheartening things that occurred these days. I didn’t think about anything that had negative vibes. The whole day was just wonderful. It’s really good to take a break like this, as it refreshes our mind and body a lot. Thanks to Shirley for the idea!

I reached the office on time the next day, and everyone wanted to know the reason behind my sudden disappearance. I told my Branch Manager, that I had menstrual cramps, and she was fine with my answer. What about others? I didn’t give them the reason yet.

A long journey towards the worst

“I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma on June 23,” said a noted English actress recently in her blog. Another long journey, I thought. Yes, the long and worst journey that a person can ever have in life.

The deadliest of all the diseases that I have ever heard, I have seen quite a few cancer victims in my friends and family circle, and their extensive battle to beat the pain that the disease and the treatments give. The most tear jerking among them was the when dad’s mom was diagnosed with oral cancer. It was actually noted when we found a white patch (leukoplakia) in her mouth. She didn’t feel pain in the beginning and hence ignored the patch. But my dad understood that something was wrong and hence wanted her to meet the doctor soon. The doctor diagnosed her and confirmed my dad’s worst fears. That was the most horrible day in his life. I still remember how difficult it had been for him, to cope up with the fact that his mother is slowly moving towards death. We, mom, me and my sister, had absolutely no words to pacify him.

There started my grandma’s long battle, for almost one year and all that we could give her was just the painful chemotherapy. But she disagreed for it. She never wanted the painful chemo sessions and said a big blatant ‘NO’. We had to agree for it, and hence opted for a homeo treatment. The treatments took a tool on her making her wary day by day. Slowly she started having unbearable pain and the sore in her mouth started getting worst. Poor grandma, I still don’t know about the intensity of pain she has endured in those few months. During the final stages we had to give her high dose of medicines to alleviate the pain. Those stages were really heartrending and no one at home was in the state of mind to pacify each other.

My grandma died almost 6 to 8 months later.

Even though I had heard about similar cancer affected relatives from my mom’s side, grandma is the first (and wish to be the last) cancer patient that I had ever seen in life. Whenever I used to get in to her room, I always had a question in my mind, “Can god almighty be so cruel? Why did he give so much of pain to her?” I still think about it even now; but never get the reason why people get affected with diseases like cancer and suffer all the pains.

Wish someone had a magic potion to cure this disease!

It’s celebration time, but…

Onam celebration, yup the big wing-ding in our hostel is about to happen on the 19th. But the bash set in our name is completely meant for the committee members of our hostel, the ‘young’ chicks who are eager to cover up their graying hair and conceal their wrinkles, and party the whole day. They dance, sing and enjoy… while we , literally tongue tied, carrying a dim witted look, become their ‘wonderful’ viewers , watching ‘enjoying’ and appreciating the ‘ladies’. Hurrah! They shout and cheer, and we clap moronically for their doltish comedy programmes, freakish dance numbers and snobbish speeches. Clad in flamboyant saris and gaudy jewels our committee members literally turn out to be the real stars of the event, where as we, after the tiresome office works would hardly have any energy for changing ourselves to a chichi evening party girl. Most of us attend the function in the very same office wear and often truly vanishes in the undertow of style statements that the ‘real’ part girls create. The party is all theirs! They fix it, conduct it and enjoy it, but all in our name.

Thoughts are always endless ….they just go on connecting one after theother

Office time thoughts 

Work and work…. Read and read……. Write and write……

Writing is spontaneous and the art is a blessing of god added with inexplainable handwork. Some are born to do it. Hence their works get admiration. But inspirational words and comments rarely come for those who strive hard to make a living out of it, as most of the employers are too miserly in giving good comments, as if they feel that they have to pay levy in doing that.

I was a teacher for almost 5 years and have handled a lot of students, right from fifth standard to graduation. I always made it a point to appreciate my students for all the genuine efforts they put in, and always found that those words of appreciation had a magical power to boost their confidence and zeal, thereby making them work better. I maintained similar mindset till recently, but found it to be terribly wrong, as many of the people are unaware of such things.

Every hard work seeks recognition, and when it doesn’t come in time it kills the enthusiasm, the spirit behind that work. I am not saying that one should be showered with flattery for all the works that he/she does, but just a word of appreciation for the hard work put in, as it is always an encouragement to work more; to work with more enthusiasm. The energy that those few words can give is indefinable. I feel that the superiors should really look in to the matter and do something, at least do it in the form of an appreciation mail. They would never know the miracle that those words can bring in the employee’s work.

My suggestion would be ….

Every company should make it a point to appreciate the best performance each month, and should give the performer something as a token of appreciation. It won’t cost much, but they will gain quite a lot in the productivity, as the employees would double their effort, once they are getting recognized for what they do.

But …

Everything is taken for granted and a word of appreciation …. Well I don’t think that would happen in the near future.

It’s really painful to see some sincere efforts going unnoticed, and is denied a word of appreciation for the hard work…

Yet it’s a matter of get going in the midst of all the troubles ….

Life after office hours...

Things go mechanically, yet smoothly. Job hunting is still going on in full swing. My recent obsession is finding out job vacancies from far off places and applying for it. ….Well… well…. Nothing successful has come up yet… but I still go on with my obsessions hoping that something good will come up soon…..

My city ... Always busy with people who have everything in hand but running short of time for their family and kids. Life is going on too much busily for most of the people I meet that I always wonder at the purpose of their life, when they fail to do their duties towards their family. May be they would scoff at me saying that I am an orthodox chick.

Relationships are momentary here and sex predominates in some of them, rather a long-term friendship or understanding……

Hey! So where is life heading to for these momentary pleasure seekers? Don’t know!

Hostel life goes on the same. I think I have been used to hostel life more than being at home, as I spend most of the time there.

Friendships…. I talk with everyone but never get too much intimate. There is always a wall of separation that I maintain with most of them, and I think that would be better in my case as I don’t like any one trespassing in to my privacy and making comments. I had almost a heated argument with one of my friends for the same reason, yesterday, and it ended almost in a split. Privacy is of utmost importance in every one’s life and so is mine

Shopping…. I am not good in large scale shopping; hence always limit it to the necessary ones.

And last but not least My health…. So far so good …. But for the nightmares that I have about swine flu, that’s spreading fast in our state…

The tragic movie time

Yes, absolutely tragic, as I wasted almost 2 hours watching a disastrous movie and lost all the admiration that I had carried for the maker of the movie.

Movies ….they should envisage the changes that happen around us among which some can be good, and some bad, I do agree. A good movie is born when it is realistic as well as entertaining… so that we can enjoy it as well as relate the characters with our day to day life.

A film can portray the good as well as bad happenings in the society, but too much hyped and wrongly chosen themes seen certain movies are very hard to digest. May be certain directors might scoff at my ignorance… saying that I am not clever enough to grab their elite class movies that are full of modernity high-thinking and philosophical subjects. I have a question to them. If a common man cannot enjoy it then why make a movie of that’s sort?

Another point that I have noted is a flood of weird themes like extra-marital relationships and hard core violence in movies, and the way open chit chats are being conducted in about these. It’s really nauseating to see certain sickening themes like adultery being presented and snobbishly discussed by new generation ‘art film’ directors; and the stodgiest aspect is the way in which they glorify these themes, thereby giving a wrong message to society. I pity them… I really pity them!

I have a reason for writing this. I happened to see a movie yesterday, from a very famous South Indian director. The loner and alcoholic hero and the fragile minded heroine of the movie were absolutely mind-numbing that I have no words to tell you my reaction on seeing that crap stuff.

The hero is a ‘womanizer to boot’ and the heroine, the delicate darling (I hate calling her like that!), is drawn towards him even though she is married and has a kid, and their relation ends in bed in no time. The hero never develops any emotional bondage towards her even after she becomes pregnant with his child.

The ending of the movie was the worst of all, when the heroine goes with the womanizer hero, leaving her husband.

Lust and infidelity monopolized the entire movie that I felt absolutely sick watching it. By romanticizing the infidelity that heroine commits, and mocking at the loyalty of her husband, the director simply degraded to the level of a third class movie maker. Yet the filmmaker was praised a lot for making the movie and honors were showered on him in plenty, by the media and a group of reviewers. I still remember his pretentious speech during one of the promos of the movie, as if he has done an epic stuff.

Don’t know if his upcoming movie (to be released in a week) would again glorify the same theme or not?

PS - The views expressed are the author's alone ***

***Hey! I need to give this guys, as people who keep on praising and reviewing valueless movies like these would never spare me after reading the blog! (lol)

Sach Ka Samna - Facing the bitter truth

Star plus recently unveiled the Indian version of America’s famous show 'Moment of Truth’, kindling a great amount of controversies. In terms of the rate of fascinated viewers the show rocks like the original one, but every viewer will have a question in his/her mind on viewing the show; "How would I answer that question?”. Most of the questions asked during the show are very much personal and often embarrass the contestants that divulging truth may put many of their relations at risk, and may perhaps burn many houses.

The reason is very simple. In spite of all the candidness that every man or woman show, most of us have one thing or the other to hide in life, and the questions asked during the show targets on those hidden truths of ours. We say we have nothing to hide, but ultimately find that we are constantly hiding something or the other, even to ourselves.

The show literally strips off the veil that we use to cover the unpleasant truths of life, literally a ‘real eye-opener’. Questions like "Are you still married to your husband for the sake of your children?” would make any one’s lips quiver, especially when the contestant has to answer it in front of his/her family.

It is said that a polygraph test is conducted on the contestants, before the airing of the show, to check his/her responses and reactions to the questions, and will be compared to the ones that they say during the airing of the programme. If the answers don’t match, the contestant loses out and has to leave the show carrying along with him/her the possibility of a big fissures one of the much cherished relationships in life.

I don’t think that an Indian version of this show is going to invite more contestants, as most of the Indians won’t be happy to disclose too much of their personal life. ***

*** Regarding those who concentrate just on the money…. Absolutely no guarantee, as they may agree for to face such questions.

The so called polygraph test that the channel conducts also doesn’t seem foolproof to me.

Altogether, the greed for money is making certain people compromise on their relations, while the whole world enjoys the spicy inside stories of a person’s life.

Well, the participants just don’t do it out of the sincere desire to be honest, right? All for money dude… just money!!!

My heart goes out...

What if you lose your breath for a second?

I always think about this whenever I see photographs taken from spots where people die from drowning.

There is a reason to write about the choke that people might have felt during those few seconds before their deaths. It’s a photograph that I saw a few days back which literally triggered my thoughts about the few seconds of sufferings that they might have had before death.

The photograph was taken from the river valley in NY. A plane had nosedived in to the river killing three; and the photo was taken when divers where trying to take out the dead body of a person. His left hand was seen above the water level, as if he had lost his life after a long tug of war with death. Death might have grabbed him, in the midst of his efforts hold the hands of life tightly.

If holding my breath for even a second can literally falter my steps making me fall down in a moment, what would have been the condition of that man, in those few moments? He might have struggled a lot to get out of the murky water, to get a little bit of air. The hand was raised up above the water level, indicating the struggle that he did before surrendering to death, the suffocation that he suffered during those few moments before his death.

I was also thinking about the thoughts that might have gone through his mind during that time. He might have thought about his family whom he is about to leave alone on earth. He might have hoped that someone might help him get out of the muddy water, so that he could breathe, he could walk back to life, meet his family and live with them for a few more years.

I read a news report related to the photograph, the very next day, that a few people had complained about publishing such photographs, about the shock that they can cause. But the news paper alleged that it was the best photo that they could get from the spot.

I am not planning to go deeper in to press ethics or its dos and don’ts, but the photo is truly a shocking and tear-jerking one.

Certain torturing forwards

I have two e-mail ids and three fourth of the mails that get filled in my inboxes are the usual boring forwarded mails, which I delete straight away even without looking at the title. I don’t forward it to any of my friends as most of the forwarded e-mails generally contain weird stuffs and odd introductions like ‘I am going to die soon. Please help me!’ The most important fact that I have noticed in these mails is that most of them will have a virus complimentary, for the people who open them.

It’s very difficult to know the nature of these forwarded emails or to differentiate between problematic and harmless messages. Witty distractions like jokes and articles emails are often harmless. Certain others like lottery wins, PayPal and eBay offers, job alerts, alerts about a missing child, requests to join an online petition should be verified for authenticity, before forwarding. But people hardly bother to check the sender details, and just forward the emails to others.

The recent one I got was in the name of a recruitment firm in Delhi, offering me a job in a university, in the Kingdom of Saudi. There was an attachment along with mail and I was asked to open it to see the details. When I tried to scan the e-mail using the antivirus software an alert popped up saying that the attachment should not be opened, as it contained a malicious program. I deleted the mail immediately. To be frank, I am tired of deleting all these forwards. Wish if I had an option to stop receiving this!

It's still a puzzle

I had a narrow escape from a job offer. Are you shocked? Please read on

A week back...

I was really happy to see that I was short listed for the post of writers, in one of the sub offices of a famous Australian firm. As usual I had submitted my CV, long back, after seeing their ad in one of the leading dailies. I got a reply from the Australian office, via mail, that I was short listed, and will be contacted soon from the sub office to intimate about the interview. The e-mail also had a long PDF document about the company; rather a little hyped I should say.

Later I got an email from the so called sub office regarding the interview, which was to be held in a convention centre in the city. I was also told that the ‘executive chairman’ of the parent company would be leading the interview board.
I was wondering about the reason of choosing such a venue, as the most of the companies choose their corporate office as the venue of interview.

The strangest thing that I noticed in both the e-mails was that they had only the details of the parent company in their websites, and absolutely nothing about the sub office or the so called ‘executive chairman’, who was going to conduct the ‘interview drama’.

Fortunately the second mail had a mobile number in it. When I dialed that number a lady answered, introducing her as the TL of the sub office. I asked her about the roots of the sub office connecting the parent company and the lack of any information about the ‘executive chairman’ in the websites that I was given. She replied that Australian companies usually don’t give the name of the people behind it; like ‘executive chairman’, in their websites. I was stunned to hear that odd sentence . I have been dealing with websites for for a long time, and have never heard that a company would leave their 'executive chairman’s' name from their website.

A line from Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet’ immediately came in to my mind.

‘Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.’

When I asked about the details and location of the sub office, she started literally stuttering and said that they don’t have a sub office now, and is working from her home far away from the city. Before I could ask her anything more she disconnected the call saying that she was busy.

What more to say…

I didn’t attend the interview.

The whole episode seems like a puzzle to me now as I still don’t know if such a sub office exists or not.

Pain For A Lifetime

“Ever since I was born, my Daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine and I just want to say I love him so much."

Cute 11 year old girl, Paris Jackson, who said these words, during the memorial service of MJ, literally brought tears to my eyes. Those were the words that I could never match with any other eulogy that I heard during the memorial service of MJ. The courage, dignity that she showed in attending the crowd, the love that reflected in her simple words, truly matchless, when compared to the other eulogies delivered there. I have a special reason to say this. As I had mentioned in my last blog, I lost my best friend all of a sudden, last month. During his memorial service I heard almost the same words from his kids and got literally burst out into tears.

I could see the very same throbbing pain in her words.

The pain of losing parents is like a wound that would keep on bleeding the whole life time.

May God’s blessings help them to move-on courageously!

Let them rest in peace

I don’t have much to read in the news paper these days, but for the ongoing exploration, dissection and detailing of the life and death of Michael Jackson, the king of pops. The most discussed one among the news stories related to MJ is the comparison with Elvis Presley. They say that MJ’s death is mysterious life Presley’s, especially when both departed … from “heart attack”, when they were about to return to the world of music, after a long gap. Another hot topic of discussion is regarding the custody of kids of Jackson, and also regarding the amount of wealth that he has left behind, along with several tales about the so-called debts that he had.

The media is also on a hunt to get details from his previous wives about their personal life! Ridiculous!

The media intrusion in the death of celebrities is never a new story. It’s not just new generation journalists who are to be blamed for intruding in to the privacy of people like MJ, as these intrusions can be dated back to the time of coinage of the term ‘yellow journalism’ the artless art of writing that focuses on catering the spicy insider stories.

It’s apparently the cheapness of the inquisitive genome embedded in certain people that results in such downgraded journalism, which makes them go behind the paternity of Jackson’s kids and its details, when there are lot more serious issues in the world to be discussed.

The media is never ready to spare people like MJ, even after their death. I really feel so bad for those celebrities like him who are not blessed with a peaceful rest, due to media intrusions.

I am not justifying any of the deeds of these star personalities, but dear friends from the media, why can’t you give them a peaceful rest and focus your writing talents to bring out something that’s beneficial to humanity?

Let the dead rest in peace!

I am back!

I was trying hard these days, to get out of last week’s traumatic moments.

May be due to time, the ultimate healer, or the strength from the feeling of my friend’s presence around me; I am back! Back to work, back to writing, back to my musings….

But I keep sending regular messages and e-mails to his family and always pray for them, so that they get the courage to move-on and fulfill the dreams that he has left behind.

The heaviness of heart is slowly leaving me as I get more concentrated on my works and writings. Works, nothing much to be said as innovative and creative, but have something to keep myself busy the whole day. SEO, PPC, traffic, ranking…the very same jargons still revolve around my cabin helping out in my endeavors to get a better position for the websites of our clients.

After making the search engines contented, I go back to my room, have a good bath and lie down on my bed watching the beautiful stars. As I have put my bed near the window, I get a good view of those cute twinkles, which makes me feel at ease.

The monsoons have started here, but we are not getting good rains compared to the previous years. I really miss that delirious joy that the rain gives me! It rains seldom these days and the humidity has brought back that bad attack of sinusitis, which peeps-up every now and then, at times making me confine to my bed the whole day. A bad ear infection made matter worse, partially closing my right ear, with a shutter effect.

The terrible economic downturn had almost slaughtered my hopes for a better writing job, but now it’s slowly heading back to life.

I have started continuing my efforts to take a career leap, however not sure of the outcome, as the financial recession is still ubiquitous !

Thanks Rads for your caring words!

Signing-off for now!

When they leave us…

What’s the similarity between death and a thief? Oh! Don’t feel that I am going to tell you a joke, as I have found one between both. The thief comes stealthily and takes away the thing that we love the most. In the same way death too comes surreptitiously taking away our dear ones whom we cannot part with, leaving a giant hole in our life. The impact of the tragedy will multiply when death comes unexpectedly. It just snatches away that lifelong cherished relation of ours, leaving us totally blank, making us wonder about our survival without those dear ones.

I am finding it hard to move-on from tear-jerking impact of the dark, horrifying loneliness that has been created in my life, after losing one my dearest friends, on Sunday. The shocking loss of that loved one has made me totally forlorn all of a sudden, even amid the supporting words of my friends. I have all my friends around, supporting me, but find it hard to go on leaving behind those heartbreaking moments of losing him. He who had always been my supporting pillar throughout my life has left me all on a sudden amid the mystifying journey of life. ‘He has reached heaven’, people do keep on telling me so, or synonymous futile words intensifying my pain. Has he actually gone away from me? No, and I wish to believe that he is watching me and hearing my words from the other room, where I cannot go now, but later.

Even though it’s not going to lessen the searing pain of his death I wish to believe in that way, at least to bring down the intense feeling of suffocation that I have.

I have been asked not to be alone, to be always occupied with some work or the other to alleviate the pain, but even my work is not lending me a helping hand.

If Ann Frank had survived...

“From my favorite spot on the floor I look up at the blue sky and the bare chestnut tree, on whose branches little raindrops shine, appearing like silver, and at the seagulls and other birds as they glide on the wind,”

Anne Frank

Feb. 23, 1944.

She would have told us more about the scary ‘holocausts’, the dangers of war, about cruelties that she witnessed, about the megalomaniac dictator and a lot more, if she had survived…

Anne Frank, the symbol of hope, even in the peak of sufferings and evil, would have turned 80 this week, if she had survived.

“…I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

She would have been happy to see her horse chestnut tree that helped her to know the seasons of life, during those two years that she and her family hided themselves from the Nazis.

“Our horse chestnut is in full bloom,” wrote Anne Frank on May 13, 1944, “thickly covered with leaves and much more beautiful than last year.”

A report that I recently read in NY times says that Miss Frank might have had her last glimpse of the chestnut tree in August 1944, before she and the other occupants were taken to the camp, where she later died of typhus.

Before reading her tear jerking experiences, I used to wonder at the thoughts that she might have had during her life in the attic as I am finding it really hard to even imagine me getting locked up in an attic, for a minute or two.

Through the words of this exemplary diarist her readers stumble upon the life of the millions of Jews who were lost to this world. Tears might have rolled down her eyes on seeing her dear ones getting succumbed to the tragic life.

Her writings, the way she has penned down her thoughts amid the tragedies that she faced, bear the voice of a truly recognizable person among us. Her scribbles give the true images of Nazi persecution during Second World War. The way she has engraved it, in the midst of the sufferings of the concentration camp, is truly exemplary. The touching and chilling diary has been translated into almost 60 languages around the world.

Odd Chinese Diets

Imagine a person going to a restaurant and asking for monkey’s brain. What will be the response of the staff? I can visualize a surprised face and a sudden burst of laughter in my mind. A wacky need they would say and may grab the person by collar and haul him out of the restaurant saying he is MAD.

But that’s not the case in China. If someone asks the same there, he will be given a plate full of monkey’s brain; as monkey brains scooped from a live animal is one of the much loved foodstuffs in Guangdong, in China. Doesn’t that sound gross? Just go though today’s CNN-IBN’s webpage and you will be shocked!

Do you want to know about another favorite dish of Chinese? Its chicken ‘bitten to death by poisonous snake and cooked up’, for an allegedly detoxing meal. The dish which was served in Guangdong and Chongqing in China, generated a lot of controversy in media and public that they are about to get banned, by the health authorities of China. A video that showed live chicken, being killed by snake bites has generated immense anger from far and wide.

Startling! it’s totally startling.But people are still hale-and-hearty after having such odd diets!God's grace!

Is love really blind?

As usual I was loitering around the corridor in the evening and I heard a sob. When I looked around I saw her in the dark corner on the corridor, weeping. I have always seen her cheerful and hence was shocked to see her crying. I went near her to pacify her. Slowly she started talking to me, about the reason for her grief, about her loveless life, a long story of dating and marriage, and post-married days. She is married; an 8 year old love story and a marriage that almost separated her family from her, due to her incorrect (according to her parents) decision.

After hearing it I felt that both of them, she and the guy, were far-flung from reality, during the time of dating. Both of them could see only the best part of the other person. Literally blind love!

The guy is from a lower-middle class family that has not saved much in life. She is from a rich affluent family and the guy’s parents, who had their eyes on her wealth, showed them a green signal. But her parents were still not ready to agree for the match as the guy didn’t even have a good job. After a constant battle with her dear ones, she managed to convince her parents and half heartedly they agreed. As she had a job she was confident that she could manage their life until he gets one.

But problems started off soon when she realized the real intentions of her in-laws. Even her husband turned against her when she refused to hand over her jewellery to her in-laws, to buy a property. The drift grew wide day by day, with the active contribution of the cooked-up stories from her in-laws, separating them, and finally making the guy take up a job in another country. The love that was there had nearly vanished within a year!

Hey! Don’t you feel that this saas-bahu-pati clash is going on in the usual track? Yes, it is, because the next episode has a typical suspect-maniac husband who always yells at his wife, when she is spotted even with her brother.

And now, their 8 years long love story is about to reach the climax soon, with a suit in the family court; which is going to happen soon.

THEY SAY THEY LOVED EACH OTHER AND WANTED TO LIVE A BLISSFUL LIFE! THEN WHERE DID THEY GO WRONG?

I am scared of liars

I am afraid of people who tell lies. Why do they do it when they are sure that the truth is going to come out eventually? Liars always disturb me to the core, especially when I hear all the elucidation that they use to excuse themselves. But a lie is simply a lie, no matter whatever the justifications are.

I won’t say that I am a Miss: Perfect Angel as I too have lied for silly things and have faced the consequences that rose about a ten times higher than my lie. But I have never told lies to hurt or mislead someone.

Do you what to know the reason for the scare? It’s nothing but the bad experiences that I had, the instances where I have been deceived and hurt by the lies that I have heard.

On an average I bump into about 10-15 lies a day, a few silly and a few serious ones.

I have always tried to know a person well, to let my head dominate my heart, before entering in to a friendship. But mistakes have happened many times. Actually it’s very hard to accept that you are getting cheated, that a janitor has entered close to your heart, with a faked identity.

Are we supposed to forgive such people? I really don’t know. But once I lose the trust towards a person that’s the end of everything, whoever it is. But lies and deceits have become the part and parcel of life these days that it is very difficult to know the intention of a person approaching me. Why can’t they be honest?

People always find fault in me saying that I am too much frank and lets the other person know the real me. But I always remain the same and if the real me doesn’t please a person I just walk away as I won’t be able to continue that friendship anymore. But as I said before a few mistakes do have occurred in life where I was mislead by the faked identity of certain people.

But believe me, ultimately you get only what you give others. Try to be honest and get it back in plenty.

It’s a Zoozoo magic

Ads, it always meant images of a group of beautiful women and fine-looking men. Even I thought the same, until I saw the ads of Vodafone and the cute and funny acts of the egg shaped Zoozoos.

About 20-30 exceptional ads, about the various services of the company, Zoozoos have hit the charts in a very short time, creating waves all over the world.

The ad makers have a really fantastic imagination. Incredible creation of alien like creatures, their looks, expressions, laugh, grin, hops, the way the dance…. The antics of the cute Zoozoos are just fantastic!

At first I thought that the characters were animated cartoons, but got to know later, from a forwarded e-mail about the making of Zoozoo’s, that they are human begins with masks.

Awesome idea! Something different from the usual boring ads!

The dead too need privacy

Here is a family fighting for the privacy of their deceased daughter. Internet privacy will take new turns after the battle of this California family and the state legislative system.

The Catsouras family approached the court of law when the photos of their beloved daughter’s fatal car accident started spreading rapidly on the Internet, two years back. Mortally wounded Nikki’s pictures have spread so quickly that the key word Nikki Catsouras shows about a million results, with a number of sites showing the car crash pictures.

What might have been the family’s reaction on seeing the photographs? I can’t even think about it, as the photographs are extremely upsetting.

The case has ignited a debate over the right to privacy for the deceased.

The spreading of Nikki Catsouras’ photographs exposes the darker side of Internet and makes the whole Catsouras family relive the death of their daughter, again and again. By displaying the disturbing and unidentifiable condition of Nikki’s body (she suffered a massive head injury), the whole family is made to repeatedly go through the horrifying experience.

I am not delving in to the details of her accident, or what made such an incident happen. But spreading such photographs on Internet should be banned by the court of law, so as to maintain the privacy of the dead, as well as the living family member s of the deceased.

PS - Praying for Nikki Catsouras. May her soul rest in peace.

I humbly request the readers not to search for Nikki's car crash photographs.

Some untold cruelties

A mother deserted by her children; most heartbreaking example of the use and throw culture of 21st century.

I was about to get in to our mess hall when I found her walking towards the other side of the hall to reach her room, in the Old Age Home nearby. She had a small hump-like growth on her back that symbolized the pains that she had suffered for the well-being of her family, her kids. And finally, at the age where she needs the love of her kids, she is all alone in the old age home.

Absolutely “useless” for her kids now!

I am single, yet can see clearly through my mind’s eye, the hopes of a mother, right from the moment she knows that she is going to bring another life into this world. Any toil becomes insignificant before her kid’s happiness. With all the hopes and aspirations she raises her kid up, in the hope of seeing her child as the best human being on earth.

But, once her birdie gets wings to fly high, the poor mother is discarded and simply thrown away in to the darkness of an old age home. Just as one throws away a tissue paper after use! How pitiless!

There is yet another group of parents who sadly opt for an old age home after suffering a series of horrible treatment from their children who purposefully forget what have done for them in the past.

I remember a movie ‘Baghban’ which clearly depicted the pangs of the parents on getting dumped by their kids, for whom they had lived the lion’s share of their life. I have always felt that every moment in the movie is true to the core, as you can see many living examples of Raj Malhothra and Pooja (the charecters portrayed by Hemamalini and Amithab Bachan) in our daily life.

The most tear-jerking sight from the old age homes is the visit of these so called ‘proud children’; the happiness of these moms when they see their kids and the heartbreaking sight of seeing tear –filled ears , as their children leave.

These parents spend their days and nights in the reminiscence of the moments that they had spend with their family, in the hope to be with them at least for a day, before death. But their hopes are never fulfilled as the children never bother to turn back to look at their parents.

I always wonder what the situation will be, when these ‘proud children’ grow old. May be they will be dumped to a worst situation than these! Donno!

Fortune Forseen

I met a person last week, who called himself a fortune teller. He wanted to try mine. I asked him if he could tell each and every minute that’s about to come, in detail. Thunderstruck hearing my question, he said that he can give only a general outline, some of which can be wrong too. I broke in to laughter as I couldn’t bear the contrast of his dumbfounded face with the prediction mania that he had a few minutes before.

Foreseeing someone’s fortune! Sounded odd to me (True believers please forgive). I do agree that everyone would be interested to know what’s going to happen in his life, the very next moment. But to predict a person’s future; my very average commonsense doesn’t allow me to swallow it up as such.

If the so called ‘fortune teller’ can predict our future why can’t they predict the disastrous happenings that occur in the world, which kills lakhs of innocent people? Why can’t they apply the same to predict the incidents that’s about to occur in his / her family? They can’t; the reason is simple; they have not risen to the sameness of GOD, the omnipotent power (even though called by different names). Yet they proudly call themselves 'fortune tellers'!

A catwalk from ramp to reality

An eye opener with certain striking moments that show the darker side of the fashion world; the movie ‘Fashion’ from Madhur Bhandarkar, the realistic entertainer that I watched yesterday, had much to say about the not -much known side of celebrities; the wild lifestyles of the fashion divas, dramas behind the stage, wardrobe malfunction, casting couch and much more …

It almost created a clear slide-show of a few facts that I had read and almost left out of my mind. And that’s where Madhur becomes exceptional in his film making. All his movies stay close to reality, with an excellent narrative style.

You know why I love his films? Every movie of Madhur will have something really new, narrated in a credible way, without ignoring the entertainment side of movie making.

I loved Kangana Ranaut's balanced, awesome performance; a mind-blowing portrayal of Shonali (even though not lengthy as Priyanka’s), who falls from riches to rags in a short time. The incidents brought back to my mind certain newspaper reports about the models who have become victims of the pit-falls in fashion world.

Priyanka too has done a remarkable job, especially when the story moves to a point where Meghna (the character she portrays) finds it hard to handle an overnight success, starts making a wrong use of it, ending up as an alcohol and drug addict. Mugdha Ghodse too created a good impression, with a matured handling of the character.

I am not an expert reviewer but on the whole I can say I watched a good movie. Something worth watching!

From the diary of a crushed soul

“My aspiration, my website; I began planning years back. After much toil and trouble I made a final draft of my thoughts and filled it with the shades that I had dreamt of. Spending days and nights I designed every bit of it faultlessly .The result looked an exact replica of my dreams. Filled with of joy and happiness, I slept peacefully that night; after months of hard-work. In the curiosity to have a look at the result of my labor I logged in to my system the next day and searched for it.

Along with my site I found a clone of my creation mockingly winking at me!"

Don’t filch the fruit of someone’s hard work! Copying or stealing someone’s works is really brutal. A person who spends his valuable time and lots of money on work, launches it with immense hopes; will be literally heartbroken on seeing that is work has been stolen.

The tale of a shoe

The title might have given the impression of a fairy tale that’s about to follow. Wrong guess! It’s about the number of shoe hurls against our so called political wizards. Every Indian political gathering is safely guarded now from the anytime attack using shoes. Ha! Ha! Doesn’t that sound funny? But it’s true

Why shoes fly towards the politicians, these days? Yet to be researched!

As shoe hurls are becoming frequent these days I have been thinking about the reason why people have started using shoes for such an act, and have some thoughts to share. My answer may sound crazy to some of you, but yet please scroll down and have a look.

The shoes traverse a long way through much neglected Indian roads, suffering all the troubles without any objection. It has to take out feet safely even through the most stinking roads and pit filled lanes, without complaining; like how we are wordlessly living amid the sickening conditions and political situation and yet becoming a part of the democracy, in-spite of all the awful feelings, hidden in our mind. So chucking a shoe at someone, I think, stands for the eruption of all the so far veiled torment and frustration from a person’s heart. Etiquette gurus may vehemently object this, I am sure. But just consider the distressed mind at the other end; you may get an explanation, even though not fully justifiable.

At any cost I am not justifying the action and won’t do it. But let politicians and the alike class be alerted that when sufferings are growing beyond the periphery a common man may react in the most weird way.

May be more constructive ones might emerge soon! Let’s wait and watch

I am feeling sleepy!

I am feeling sleepy. Really sleepy that I am getting only a blurry vision of the letters on my keyboard, and feels as if they have gone totally messed up. Hah! Wish I could cuddle on my bed and have a nice sleep coz I had only very less sleep yesterday as the scorching heat had almost wearied me down. (The atmosphere is leaping zigzag from rain to heat these days, making matters worse, as I get a bad attack of sinusitis when the humidity level changes quickly.)

Lying on my bed was so hard yesterday, like lying in a hot furnace that I was awake almost the whole night, literally counting the ticks of my clock and took almost three baths in 5-7 hours because of the unbearable heat. The two sturdy security guards of our housing colony did their job on time, by whistling and knocking so loudly, piercing my ears, and sleep swiftly vanished from my eyes in no time.

By 4 AM I had my third bath, in the hope of getting a little sleep, but ill luck was not ready to leave me so easily. After waking up at 5.30 and getting ready I traveled for about two hours and reached my hostel by 8 am and thereafter to my office by 9, back to the long writing schedules. And guess what! I had bread and jam for lunch. Lack of sleep and a sugary lunch! Hah!!!!!!!!! My eye lids are getting so heavier that I am finding it really hard to concentrate on my work.

Mujhse Shaadi Karogi

The process of finding a suitable life partner was left family members and the dear ones earlier, and marriages were usually fixed by the elders in the family. To agree with it or not; it’s not the topic I am going to tell. About a strange news that I heard today; A MARRIAGE REALITY SHOW. Reality show and marriage, shocked? I was, on hearing about actress Rakhi Sawant's plan to get married through a reality show.

Reality melodramas have reached its heights making totally weird and senseless shows these days, and now a marriage show! I pity the senseless brains behind such a weird idea. Most of the viewers like me are getting fed up of infinite number of reality shows & the dreary dramas like crying, bitterness, anger, bitching and backbiting and verbal juggleries of the participants and at times the judges, in such shows. And now a marriage reality show! Disgusting! What more to say!

I doubt if it’s all just publicity stunt by the channel, to increase the TRP rates. But if it’s true what would be the next choice of the producers? God knows!

I am a dosa freak.

‘Dosa’, even the name bears the most tantalizing scent of this favorite foodstuff of mine. A feast for the mind and palette; scrumptious dosas can be found in incredible varieties, Oh! they make me absolutely spell-bound. It's an anytime food; a good choice for breakfast, lunch or dinner. The best combination would be with tomato chutney and sambar. Yummy dosa and hot coffee, Wow! It’s mouth-watering!

My mom is an expert in preparing dosas and I love eating them with the delicious coconut chutney and the flavorsome sambar that she prepares. The looks and aroma of dosas makes often make me forget my diet consciousness that I end up having four or five instead of my usual proportion.

Actually anything that spreads like dosa is simply appetizing, thick like uthappam or thin like a paper roast; made with rice, wheat or any flour, stuffed or mixed or topped with anything that’s lip-smacking.

Dosa is my all time favorite…mmmm......

What’s yours?

Nostalgia

After a long time, a mini vacation has dawned before me, giving me a small rest from my long writing sessions. Actually I do love them when I am given enough time to make some countable works, but at times works flow in like floods that they literally wrap around me till I get chocked. Now that I have Easter and Vishu holidays; its leisure time, time to chill out, leaving all my official assignments, to watch the beauty of nature which I have almost on the verge of forgetting, to have some yummy dishes that my mom makes, to have some chitchat with my sister; that’s what my holidays are all about. I won’t go for long trips, as I love to be in the calmness of home and the warmth of my family’s presence. Unluckily there is just one working day (Monday) in between, to kill all my spirits. I may have to report at the office, if necessary. Hey! I want to shed out my nostalgia which is in-appareled in my soul since two years. Even if I turn up, I know that mind would keep on loitering the premises of my house the whole day, to join the preparations of Vishu (on Tuesday )and to enjoy the prettiness and the beauty of yellow , ‘Kanikonna’ flowers that my dad brings. I'm taking my off on Monday.I think that would be the best. But what could be the excuse? Fever, headache, stomach pain… seems I will have to find a more credible one this time as he knows that most of us may not turn up on Monday. He is the most uncompromising person I have ever seen, very much above my stern, yet lenient dad.

So I am seriously thinking about the best possible reason that I can find, to convince him. Any suggestions?

Mango showers!!!

I love rain. We had a really hot climate in March, and now it’s raining heavily in the evenings. So exciting to go out in the rain, and get wet with the maiden drops! But as I am in the office most of the time, the chance to feel and enjoy the beauty of the rain is much less than before. I do love watching the rain drops trickling from the windowpane of my cabin. The silver droplets that fall down from the pane always trigger a very lovely mood, an in-explainable feeling that arises right from my stomach, which I love to enjoy.

I love to hear the rain drop hitting softly on our roof, like the patter of a little foot, but if my boss is around he won’t let me slide the window pane saying that the water droplets would spoil my PC. Moron! It seems I have to start teaching him how to enjoy the beauty of rain.

I was about to leave the office yesterday, when rain goddess blessed the city in abundance. Wow! It was really an amazing sight when it started raining such heavily that I got almost wet in minutes; right under an umbrella. As each droplet kissed my body I felt as if god is taking-out every gloom that the hot summer gave me. I longed to stand there for quite long, but the staring eyes changed my mind. Again morons!

I managed to get an auto rickshaw, to reach the hostel early. As the city was crowded with vehicles, it took almost half an hour to reach the hostel. I loved gazing at the rainwater clad crowd outside.

I swung my bag on to my couch and ran down to enjoy the nature’s gift. Hey!!!!! That was a breathtaking moment guys! I danced; jumped and enjoyed till the rain stopped … the drops which went in to my watch made it stop at 7pm…

I love rain. Hope I will get more time to go out in rain.

Certain Tummy Thoughts

I am dieting these days, and started practicing a little bit of exercises too. Not that I have put on much weight to lose, but coz of having a big tummy. I used to deny this for quite some time, as my mind carried the image of the skinny body that I had. My big fat tummy began to worry me when people started noticing it and commenting, “Hey! Your tummy is so big!” Tummy is the worst place to carry fat deposits, especially for women... It’s very embarrassing!

Don’t be under the false notion that I am a real foodie, coz this is one of the most upsetting part of my work. Right from 9 in the morning to 5.30 in the evening I need to fix myself on the chair, immovable, as I will be busy with loads of writing works to do. No exercise and no walk, and my tummy grew bigger with fat deposits.

The only exercise that I did was the evening walks down the street, just to have those yummy ‘bhelpuris’. But I had to forcefully bring it to a halt as they started ruining the ambience of my stomach.

People who know about my tummy problem are very eager to shower their tummy reducing tips on me. Those boring, repetitive and unworkable tips that they have been trying for quite a long time! Hearing that I would mutter… It’s easy to advice baby! Practice it and reduce yours first!

But dieting is not that easy. It’s really hard to stop looking at those mouth-watering dishes that I used to enjoy before. Therefore I get really uneasy, & feel really dumb, when my friends tell me how hard I try to reduce my tummy size. I wonder whether I should correct them or not, to tell them that not much of change has happened, that I eat those junk foods every now and then, as I can’t live without it. How will I reduce my tummy size without changing my eating habits?

The tragedy reiterates!

‘Karthik Rajaram, a 45-year-old man, was found dead on Monday after blowing off the lives of six family members in a murder-suicide.’

‘Suspect Devan Kalathat Victims Akhil Dev,Negha Dev,Ashok Appu Poothemkandi,Suchitra Sivaraman,Ahana Ashok, Santa Clara Family Murder Suicide’

If Karthik had an anecdote of financial difficulty, the reason behind grisly Santa Clara murder-suicide is still unknown!

Why did Devan Kalathat, the family man and senior software engineer, buy two .45 semi-automatic handguns? Why did he slay his family and end-up his life? What was bubbling beneath his calmness?

Countless number of questions arose in my brain on hearing the heartbreaking tragedy at Santa Clara.

I took the flash news only as a usual story of financial difficulty due to layoffs, which is the child of the economic downturn. But initial reports have ruled out such a cause and pointed the probability of “difficult family dynamics” that might have spiraled into violence, claiming six lives.

Devan who mercilessly blew away his two young kids and three other relatives in the murder-suicide had posted a few photos on his Flicker page, make one believe his to be a happy, close-knit family.

Indians immigrants like Devan, who end up their lives abruptly, leave behind a number of unanswered questions about the reason behind such gruesome acts. On hearing such incidents I really get bewildered about the reason why a family that seemed to be happy, got wiped off all on a sudden. How can a person become so cruel to kill his family so mercilessly? Or does he feel contented watching the the physical pain of others. Yet to be ‘researched’!

PS- As usual, people will shake heads and leave this story too. Poor family, we may mutter for a day or two, sympathize for their kith and kin, and then forget the whole episode soon! The world is so damn busy!

Indigestible Realities!

Making soap serials have become out-of-date these days with ‘Reality Shows’... I am talking about ‘MTV Splitsville’, the worst that I have ever seen!’The long tale of bitching, back biting, and love affairs …the rage and the adrenalin pumping…

I am bored to death with the entire bitching saga; I think MTV producers need to sit back and think about the torture that they inflict upon the viewers!

The girls bitch, back stab and do whatever it takes to save them from the dumping zone. They get a notable bit of screen space and fame; actively participating in the nasty circle of spicy conversations and playing the most nauseating, shameful and cheap tricks to grab the attention.

Why do they suffer all the public humiliation and get mortified for prize money that may not last for a year or two?

I am in search of the answer...

Actually the sponsors and production houses making a lot of money selling the fake emotions and the melodrama that comes along with these shows. With TRP's elevating to heights that they have never imagined, producers are ready to play with billions at the expense of the poor viewer’s emotions and feelings.

Is all fair in reality shows? Donno…

I have shifted to Cartoon Network. Those animated characters are much better!

Tulips, Plath and Me

Tulips; I always love to see them for their indecipherable beauty and charm. I love to collect the pictures of Tulips. In fact I came to know about them after reading one of the noted poems of Sylvia Plath; one among the well-known confessional poets.The poem was a part of my graduate studies. Although it had much to do with the poetesses’ personal life, touched with a shade of melancholia, I liked the way it’s interwoven with the concept of Tulips. I started searching more for the term and found them to be the true epitome of the beauty of nature. Shaded in purple and pink, they adorn the early spring time. But we get an entirely diverse perspective after reading the poem of Plath. A segment of her consciousness is kept open before the readers; a vivid contrast between the concept of Tulips in our heart and the concept of Plath, the way she has entwine d it with her depression, after a miscarriage (Click http://www.sylviaplathforum.com/tulips.html to read the poem)I started reading more works of Plath, but used to wonder at the peculiar themes that she handled, like ‘suicide, self-loathing, Nazis, shock treatment, dysfunctional relationships’ etc…Later I came to know about the mystery of her suicide & her mental illness ( bipolar disorder , says experts), when Tessy ma’m told about her life; while she was teaching the poems. Plath, her poems and her struggle with clinical depression always generates a feeling of deep pathos in my heart. The genre of confessional poetry had many great writers later on, but no one rose to the iconic status that Plath still enjoys, years after her death.

PS - Yesterday, as I was reading the newspaper, I was shocked to see the news that Plath’s son Nicholas Hughes, a noted marine biologist, hung himself at his home in Alaska. If the shocking deaths of Plath and Assia Wevill flashes doubts about the tendency of poets toward suicide, Nicholas Hughes' death emphasize the ongoing debate over the connection of genetics and suicide tendency. Nick was a baby when his mother died of depression.

The death of Nick, latest among the recurring nightmares, has added an extra tragic chapter to a family history that has been haunted by melancholy and depression, for two generations.

Both Nick and Frieda(his sister) had to live in the shadows of the tragic aftermath of their mother’s death, facing a lot of rumors throughout their life. But I wish that Nick's death will not be doomed in to the whirlpool of mere gossip and sensationalism leaving Frieda, the surviving member of the family, in intense agony.

Why did they hurt him?

I always try to be social with my colleagues, irrespective of gender differences. You may be wondering about the reason why I mentioned gender specifically. Please scroll down…

I was a teacher, and worked in one of the prestigious higher secondary schools in my town. As the school had about five thousand odd students, the number of staff was also correspondingly very high, compared to the nearby schools. Although I extended a friendship with every one, right from the beginning, one among them seemed to be a little unresponsive first. I thought that the unresponsiveness was the reflection of his pride, as he was ranked as one of the most handsome gentlemen of our school, by a few of my female colleagues. I didn’t respond to his indifference but instead tried to maintain a friendly relation as usual.

After a few days I learned the reason behind his indifference.

Being a boy’s only schools, a greater part of the staff were males. Women, few in numbers, never missed their chance of gossiping and cooking up scandals against fine-looking young men among the staff. Certain senior members of the male and female staff would always join hands in the scandal club; may be as a part of ragging, or as a vengeance against a dedicated junior staff. Sadly, this guy had been a victim of their attack once and got his reputation shrunk. He was linked with a very senior lady staff of the school, almost half added to his age, just because he had a friendly relation with her, who was his neighbor and a good family friend too. Stories mended started spreading like a flash, which even reached the ears of a few of the students. The whole hungama had hurt him so badly and that was the beginning of his behavior syndrome.

I felt really bad. Really like living in hell, when one turn out to be lonely amid a large group…

To my surprise he spoke to me, about a month later. Even though it was purely official I was happy that he didn’t include me in the list of the silly scandal mongerers. Slowly he started speaking friendly, and I found him to be a really nice person. He never crossed the limits. A happily married person who considered his family as the dearest on earth, he always had one thing or the other to say about them, especially his kids. He also had his own unique perspective about his profession & everything in life.

Still the scandal mongerers were keen on cooking up 'spicy' stories about him, whenever possible!

I left the school after four years, but still we maintain our contact through phone calls. A man with a clear cut vision about life, he is One Of My Wonderful Friends.

Still I really don’t know why people are so impatient to spill stains on a nice person for no sake of gain.

Its election time again

The melodrama began. Familiar faces are back for curtain rise, at my door once again, begging for votes, promising a utopia. I am not scoffing the prestigious democratic system of my country. What did they do in their previous term?

Underdevelopment had pushed my town 10years back in progress. No good roads, no proper traffic system, insufficient water supply, and lack of proper drainage system… the list is endless. Over to it the rates of crimes have tripled making our lives superlatively miserable.

It has been same and will be again, whoever rules. A "whatever, who cares" attitude is not just in a democratic world, but previous experiences started making me think so. I am also aware that if I don't vote I really have no right to complain about government’s decisions which I cannot bear. If I cast my vote or not, things are not going to change. Should I vote against my conscience? Yet to find an answer…

I am here!

but amid hectic schedules & hence on a short break! Will be back soon!

Needs an assignment to come back!

As I have finished the tasks allotted for me this week, I am free to go for some freaky thoughts today. Rather than an effort to tell you some imaginative stuff that would carry a hell of exaggerations, it would be good if I tell you something about myself, about certain strange philosophies of mine.Me…Who am I? I would say a schizophrenic girl at times, who tries her best to make her mind feel that she is in a utopian, happy world; amid all the sadness that she bears. I love doing that because it lessens my problems. But as I have the most exclusive gift of coming back to normalcy I don’t find it much difficult in dealing day to day issues. People do ask me why I remain aloof from others, at times. It’s nothing, just because, I love to be alone then.

My family; I share an indefinable bondage with them , but at times it seems as if I was born and was brought up to get married.

Me and friendship; I have some wonderful friends, but not that intimate, as I have always kept a distance from every one. I am sure that question ‘Why?’ would arise in your mind? It’s from the experienced fact that too much of intimacy can be harmful these days. The materialistic world of today would make you give all that you have and in return you get only pricking agonies to fill in your heart. The supposed ‘friends’ would use the most cordial words in the lexis, to make you live in a make-believe world and would desert you when things don’t get along as how they want it to be. Me and ‘J’; well, he is someone with a difference yet there is a vacuum at certain places of our relation. May be because of my supposed prejudice about friendship! I really don’t know

My office; my days starts well and ends weird. That’s how a corporate world is, say my team leader. May be! The weirdest of all would be a day that starts with some unknown depressing feelings, which usually rise from my heart, early morning, with absolutely no gains. The writer in me suddenly gets frozen; as words gets chocked somewhere in my throat, and the situation suddenly turns out nightmarish when someone makes my day a hell with scoffing remarks about my contents, ending my day with a bad headache.

Me and my thoughts never end up with these! It will go on until someone turns up with a work for me!

Happy Journey ‘S’

When people close to your heart leave you, even though not intentionally, it really hurts. But it’s how things go in life. There will be an endless list of friendships that you have you made, got connected with, and then departed from life, remaining as some wonderful memories; I've had plenty of those…… with ‘BN’, whose thoughts are still hurting me. I still donno whether both of us had shown justice to our friendship…. Well, it’s all the hurting memories that I never try to share with anyone. Why upset others needlessly? Now I am almost fine with my work, with ‘J’s friendship, with the ever busy metro and my life here.

Oops! I am deviating! It's a week of departure here, in my office. S’ my team mate is leaving the firm, to join her hubby, in Saudi. Now I am the only soul left in the writing team which had 5 members, when I joined. Actually I want her to be happy with her hubby and his family there, but it's so hard to get close to someone and then to let go, and with ‘S’ who is a really sweet friend, it’s really difficult. Usually we give promises to each other that we would keep in touch, but the hard core fact that life is too busy, should never be ignored. The promises, most of the time, cannot be fulfilled due to our busy day-to-day life. No one can be blamed for that.

Guys, some of you may find this pointless as to why people bother to love, of any kind, be it friendship, love……. But what's life never knowing how to love and care for your dear ones! ‘S’ is really dear to me.

BON VOYAGE ‘S’. WILL MISS U A LOT

I read a good book

I have almost finished reading PS: I love you and am quite doomed in the world of Holly and Gerry. Finally, after a couple of months, I got a book that’s quite interesting, with an unknown power that made me turn the pages one after the other, closing the eyes to the time factor.

Three- fourth of my day ends-up in the office, and by the time I reach back to my hostel, I really rush for to grab hold of something that can bring me back to the world of normalcy. Thus got the book from ‘B’ and had some nice time making me think deeply about my loved ones.

Honestly, I was too much fixed in to it the book that I really missed my dear ones.

Well, to sum up, A nice book worth reading. I am on the hunt for the movie. Hope will get soon.

PS - I am really loving it!

P S I Love You… the title of the book seemed a little awkward to me, when ‘B’ handed over the book. I had asked her to get me a good book so that I can happily spend my after-office hours. But I was feeling a little uneasy with the title, as it sounded like a Mills and Boons story, and hence wanted to return it without reading. But donno, why, may be introduction that she gave about the book, well… reason unknown …I took it to my room.

My eyes got struck first at the catchy synopsis first. It read as follows

“Holly couldn't live without her husband Gerry, until the day she had to. They were the kind of young couple who could finish each other's sentences. When Gerry succumbs to a terminal illness and dies, 30-year-old Holly is set adrift, unable to pick up the pieces. But with the help of a series of letters her husband left her before he died and a little nudging from an eccentric assortment of family and friends, she learns to laugh, overcome her fears, and discover a world she never knew existed. The kind of enchanting novel with cross-generational appeal that comes along once in a great while, PS, I Love You is a captivating love letter to the world!”

The basis of the book sounded nice to me. Holly’s (the lead female) husband, Gerry, dies from a brain tumor and leaves her some envelopes to open every month. Gerry’s letters make her feel his presence in her life. To be frank, the start off was a bit dragging and took some time for me to get in to the world of Holly, but I was engrossed when she started getting the letters of her husband Gerry. I really liked Gerry, especially the flashbacks and the letters that he leaves for his dear wife. Gerry is a really cute, caring and loving guy, who cares for his wife a lot. As far as his nature is concerned, well… well… it sounded a little bit idealistic concept that would rarely become practical these days. I told the same to ‘B’ and she laughed saying ‘It’s a story dear, don’t go for too much of analysis, read and enjoy!’ I went back to the world of Holly.

Through the letters, which are his own way of letting her know he will always be there for her, Gerry sets his presence throughout the pages. Each letter becomes a new experience for Holly. The most passionate part of those letters is the similarity in the way Gerry signs off: "P.S. I Love You."

The life of Holly and Gerry is really touching, heartfelt and will make us think about the people I love, even more. It’s really interesting to see how Holly tries learning to live on her own and finding happiness, from a great loss.

It’s making me laugh, making me cry, making me think about my dear ones; it’s making me so desperate to read the book the sooner…

So lemme go back. See you soon guys!

My Valentine’s Day thoughts

Another Valentine’s Day, the much fêted day of the lovers and the loved ones! In fact do we really need such a day to express the art of true love? Do all share this sincerely or become a part of the group that they belong to. Contradictory to its much celebrated greatness, this day has stooped down to the state of exchanging some expensive cards which brings material value to those who are the propagators of the art. A mere pretentiousness of the so called ‘true-love’!

Valentine’s Day, which has shrunk to mere exchanging of expensive cards and gifts and conducting parties, should be rejuvenated to know the sharing of true love and togetherness, imparting understanding and aiding companionship, than ending in gifts, cards, parties and booze. A million dollar fortune for the business class of the city who drain the outer sheath of the heart! It’s unbelievable to see people squander money in this name, when the world is in the tragic course of financial recession where velocity of progress is negative.

Just think about pink slips in place of pay slips!Hey! Hey! Hey! Don’t be irritated by my words, leave all your pretentions and try to make Valentine’s Day to your taste. All the best guys! Get going!

Love is not materialistic and hence a transaction in material value looks ……………… Up to you!

Blogging blogging...

The CPU of my brain used to relate the term ‘blog’, only with the timely updates of my musings, as well as some simple ones that I do as a part of my official work. But now I have taken a little bolder step and started writing some real technical blogs. Please!!! Don’t be under the very false notion that these stuffs come from the superb brain of mine. It’s all at the mercy of the handful of tech blog related sites that I am supposed to read daily, as this ‘grand work’ has to be done as a part of official work. Thus the once driven away terms like .NET, JAVA, PHP, JOOMLA etc, have started clinging to me now as I have tamed them again, to have a standard blog, which is ‘criticism-free’. Frankly speaking, I never liked these terms albeit I have managed to complete my training in .NET programming. Don’t ask me how coz it’s still a secret to those who know me.

It seems I am able to handle my blog sessions well, hook or by crook, as they manage to maintain an average rating, making my boss contented. Thank God!

My routine after work activities include hearing the songs from my mobile, the chatterboxes in FM, and some books, managing to fill a vacuum. But life still goes merrily.

A Timely Updation

Yesterday ‘S’ asked me the reason for not updating my blog. In fact, it has been quite a long time that I thought of my blog. I seriously thought that things would slow down a bit this week, but works are clinging to me soon these days, cramming a major share of my brain, making me inexplicably busy. As recession has hit almost every sector, giving pink slips to many, I focus more on my survival these days, than my creativity. Do I need to set blogs on weekly basis? Donno. To be frank I don’t have time even for the regular chats with my colleagues or to call ‘J’ or even to see a sweet dream. Then how will I get time to update my blog!

With tight office schedules, last week fumed off as usual; with my shuttling between office and hostel, and barely getting time even to look at the delectable samosa chats from our bhelpuriwala. Damn tired after lengthy content writing jobs, the only thinking that flashes in my mind is a comfortable couch. So I much on all head towards the junction to catch the early bus and reach my room. Still I get struck up in the mad traffic blocks much often. All this doesn’t have much to do with my creative mind, but all that I need is a little free time to scribble my thoughts.

My short term pleasures

My nostalgia has turned to be a reality; being back to my previous workplace. I am enjoying every moment here and love this place and the wonderful people here. Even with a tedious neckbreaker project that had almost taken me to the verge of tears on my birth day, due to some weird decisions of the techies, I still feel comfortable here, compared to the estranged one. My god! It’s better to be here with my tight schedules than to have some scoffing comments and suffer from weird looks.

If you ask me the most interesting part of being here, my reflex would be my eventful evening walks down the street after office hours, something which I really enjoy. My office being far from the bus stop, I need a 15 minutes’ walk to reach there. This being one of the busiest areas of the city, I can see different types of people moving up and down our street. From the high class snobs to the commoners I see a lot of people here day after day, and love to watch certain oddities in a few of them, that brings the element of amusement for others. Even though cars and scooters of my lovely colleagues are ever set for a pick up, I purposefully avoid it in the guise of a health conscious person who makes it a point to walk a few kilometers a day.

The exciting part of my stroll is the bhelpuriwala whom I meet near the junction. His make-shift shop comes to our street by that time, filled with a lot of appetizers and snacks which are incredibly delicious.

There was a time in my life were my hygienic sense measured very much above par that I used to wash my plates twice or thrice before having food. And now I love to have those yummy chats and bhelpuris that I get from him. A wonderful transformation!!! From the utmost to the least, in hygienic sense! But a plate of hot, yummy samosa chat and a cup of coffee, watching the bustling crowd, after my tiring, yet happy days, it gives me some nice moments and hence I never bother to remember that I buy it from the street.

For a change, once I bought the same from a hi-fi cafeteria of our city, but donno why, that doesn’t taste the one which I get from the bhelpuriwala.

......... An interim happiness, till I go back to ennui of the techie world…….

P.S -‘J’, has reached his dream city and draped himself in his hectic office schedules that he hardly gets even a proper sleep. So I don’t make much messy chats and calls.

The countdown

“It’s a two month’s trip”. When ‘J’ told me about his plans, I was thinking about the changes in my daily routine that I need to adopt to make a way out of his absence. This being his usual official trip, every year, it was never a shocker, yet the fact that I would miss his calls and messages, was creeping deeper in to my brain. Well, we hardly meet or hang out; but he keeps in touch with me every moment he can & shares some good moments. (Thanks to internet and social networking sites for gifting a good friendship)

It’ s never a picture-perfect so called filmy sort of relation guys, coz we do make a lot of fusses too; about a lot of things in life, serious arguments at times, that may last for quite some time. However we forget it very soon.

Well, as far as the two long months are concerned, the first idea that stuck my mind was to get a laptop and an internet connection so that I can contact him after my work. But my average bank balance would literally shrink to puny, if I go for an attempt of that sort. What else now? It’s just his phone calls; that too when he is free, and the offline messages in my Yahoo chat.

As he is at the other end of the globe, the timings of the phone calls too almost clashes with my office time. But even in the midst of his busy schedules ‘J’ always finds time to inquire about me and my works. In this snobbish world of snooty relationships ‘J’ becomes unique because of his unconditional care and love for his friends.

Mr: Pride strikes again

It was a BAD MORNING friends,

Another work with the bossy Mr: Pride was awaiting me. A document with purely technological stuffs, codes and things came via my official mail. I literally felt dizzy on seeing the long page of puzzling document. Hesitantly I woke up to ask him about it (a clone of an article already published). Even without looking at me he yelled,"A copy writer is supposed to know everything under the sun or else leave your job".

God! Why am I getting more works with Mr: Pride? Well, I might have done something really sinful for that, because the more I try to be enduring, hearing his smugness, the more he pours offensive remarks.

I have never seen a nastiest person like him. With an irritated shrug he showered that wounding remark at me, sat back and relaxed as if he won an encounter with some one. I forgot about my doubts and walked back to my seat mutely. Later I re-wrote the whole stuff in my own method and submitted it to my superior.

You know why I remain tolerant and silent at Mr: Pride’s words, coz I really feel sympathy for his lack of maturity and professionalism. But how long am I going to bear this? I donno.

Too exhausted these days

I am really getting tons of work these days; content writing & uploading, one after the other that I get really dog-tired by the time I leave my office. I reach my den at the corner of the city by 6.30pm; but won’t even have the energy to walk. Dragging me towards my room on the third floor, the first thing that I would do is to lie on my bed for some time, eyes closed, letting off the day's official and un-official troubles. By the time I regain the energy to walk, I will have to go through the long tedious process of having a bath.

Honestly, I hate taking baths these days even though I know that it can make me a little more comfortable. The thought of going through the long process of cleansing my body makes me feel really lazy. But I have to, at least for my room mate who won’t tolerate the dust and dirt of the city. She has too much of hygienic sense that at times that I get really pissed off. Someway I will finish off the process of bathing and snuggle myself cozily on my bed but the bell from the mess hall would disrupt my comfort. As we get food only till 8.30pm, I set off to the mess hall to satisfy my stomach.

The next agenda is to call my parents; usual call, usual topics and usual timing.

Had your food?

What did u have? …..etc….

Actually the conversation is almost stored in the database of my mind and hardly needs change.
And now it’s sleeping time. I happily switch off the lights and snuggle down on my pillow, but darling mosquitoes start their action soon. Actually I feel they have become really healthier these days as they never miss a chance to enjoy the flavor of my blood.

After a battle with the mosquito army I wearily drift to sleep by 11 or 12 pm.

The Ultimate Sorrow

NEED FOOD FOR THE FAMILY.
GOD BLESS YOU.
WILL WORK.

This was caption of a placard that I saw today, in a leading English daily.The placard speaks well for itself.Well, I am not talking about begging or beggars, I saw this in the hands of a US resident from Miami, Florida, looking for work. A citizen from the country which is considered the paradise of job seekers is begging for a job to feed his family in time! A really painful sight! But he has no other go when he sees his kids crying out of hunger.

The alarming figures from the labor department will distress us, as we find that the lives of several people have been thrown in to uncertainty, by the devastating global recession, the longest since World War Two. The daunting rise in unemployment rate has made innumerable people in deep trouble. The scary part is that, many economic analysts are saying the worst is yet to come. God! Where’s US heading to? Is the answer clear from the caption of the placard that I saw today? No Idea!!!

Heartbreaking ‘Satyam’s

‘Ramalinga Raju Resigns From Satyam Computers, Admits Fraud’

An Indian copy of Enron Corporation with a fraud in the balance sheet and an inflated cash balance, and an Indian copy of Bernie Madoff, What more to say?

The startling revelation from Ramalinga Raju came after the company’s unsuccessful try to buy two construction firms. Moreover World Bank too recently dropped its ties with the company. God! What will happen to the 53000 employees who depend on the company, for their livelihood? The financial fraud at Satyam has left its 53,000 workers in a state of insecurity. Will their jobs be secure or will they be shown the door? If they are given pink slips, it is very difficult to get a successful placement; recession time & the tag of being from a tainted company. Reports say that many of the leading IT firms have advised their recruiting staff against entertaining calls from Satyam employees.

If at all everything turns out fine at the end (rarest chances, experts say) at Satyam, the biggest dent that awaits them would be the ‘trust’ factor of their clients and investors. After such a shocking revelation from the CEO, will any more clients be ready to outsource their projects to the company?