Is it time to leave?

I came for an exciting future which has now become a stinking stagnancy from where I desperately want to escape and re-engineer my life. 

It’s my seventh year in the big city, but sadly, I don’t feel it as alluring as it used to be. Far away from the hustle of a metro and the maddening crowd that throngs around, I was brought up in a not-much developed town, way far-off from the big city. Growing up in a traditional middle class family, I was never familiar bewitching cities and addictive lifestyles, as all those were confined only till the television programs that I got to see, after pretty-much 'censoring'. With no Carrie Bradshaws and Lizzie McGuires to boost my rather diminutive dreams, I never aimed big or wished for a world beyond the limited surroundings that I was confined. Moreover, living in an overprotective family that never exposed me to the treachery of the world outside I trusted and believed things and people in the way they appeared to be, and never felt the need to delve deep, as I blindly believed people around and trusted them as I trusted myself.

But destiny had other plans and I moved in to the big city which enticed me with a whole lot off nerve-tingling excitements that were nowhere found back in my home town. Although I was new to the city life and took considerable time for being a part of the fast paced urbanism, I got attuned to the new lifestyle, yet curtailed myself from getting lost in the totally new world that I was in. Months and years passed by, moulding and remoulding me from the much simple, sometimes downright silly, to an independent and serious woman with a vivid idea of how to live and move on, even in the toughest circumstance that I get thrown in to.

The journey was not as easy as I felt it would be. Along with a good share of gains, I got to experience equal or perhaps more share of losses as well, when unexpected happenings unfolded with several unforeseen moments. While small and medium-sized victories brought moments of joy and pride, what fueled my growth more was the hard experiences of being exposed a whole new world without any notions of how it would be. With no idea of people and situations around me, I went on living every day in my own way. I fell down and failed very many times, but stood up again taking-up lessons from every experience, both good and bad, and making them the catalysts to move forward. My never-give-up attitude strengthened me to rise-up from every fall, no matter how wounded I was. Relieving from the burns and wounds, I moved forward each day, leaning on to every single ray of hope that made me dream about a better day and a brighter future.

Outgrowing the pain of being ignored, dejected, back-stabbed, deceived, unrewarded, unheard, and unappreciated was not easy for me, but I fought and won those battles all alone, whilst withdrawing myself and creating a cocoon from where I hardly go out now, to get close to people around, in the way I used to.

I came to explore the city that I'd been dreaming about for so long, but it has nothing more to tingle my senses and excite me to remain here further.

Seven years bygone, and the consistently appealing big city has lost its charm to monotony and lackluster. The sunshine is dulling each day and I want to break free from this long default setting of my life. Life is almost akin to a very mechanically running machinery which keeps moving in the very same way at the very same pace, uninviting and unexciting. On a professional front I am more or less in stagnancy with no upward movement to hope for, while on personal level there’s nothing further to excite and motivate me to remain further. The anticipation that brought me here, the feeling of being on a roller-coaster and waiting for that adventurous start, is no more alive and vivid in my mind. I feel as if I am constantly walking towards boredom and monotony, only to keep pulling me back from reaching there.

Yes, I want to move on and start afresh in another city, possibly unknown and unfamiliar of, preferably far away. Is there any way in which you can help me out?

A short escape from reality

Strong waves of intense desperation keep hitting me on and off, for some reason or the other, several times a day. Some of them leave no stones unturned to mercilessly drag me to the brim of a nervous breakdown, but I often save myself through a temporary escape to a strange makeshift surrounding, to shred my very stressful present and start afresh.

Sudden and unforseen desolations are never uncommon in our lives and I am no different. But sometimes they grow intense and uncontrollable, especially when I am strongly blamed for no reason or when trampled under a bunch of worthless advises from people around, be it my immediate family or the much strange this-and-that people I get to see each day. I am no stranger to being underrated and unrewarded at workplaces and have outgrown the stages of grumbling and crying my heart out for being unappreciated and unrewarded for what I do.

Now I don’t shed tears on being called irrelevant and do not express my anguish for being unappreciated. Instead, I put a visibly strong and bold face to deal with the despairs, making sure not to curse my stars for the repeated failures that I get to face, often for no reason of mine. What’s left is an unexplainable numbness which has stuck my brain with its full strength and vigour leaving me visibly reaction-less to every single blow that I face. But if you ask me what goes on deep inside my heart, the resource of words that I have is insufficient to put out how badly I feel. On a personal front, I am more familiar with let-downs than contentedness the reason why I have now become well groomed to take in everything with a pinch of salt. That being said, I must also admit that sometimes my saneness gets so badly hit, and that’s when I enter a brief escaping mode.

On reaching the level of saturation, I so badly yearn to run away until things settle down clearly in my brain. This is when I switch to the escaping mode, where I dream about flying off to some of my favourite places, mostly some of those hustling and bustling metros where I can effortlessly vanish in to the very fast moving crowd. Imagining me busily writing for some of my favourite companies is yet another phase of the fleeing mode, where I see a happy and contented me working my ass off yet earning well enough to fulfill all my dreams.

The runaway mode is quite good for the mind and keeps me off from the impacts of distresses, small and big. By the time I get back to normalcy, I would be at peace to rationally attune myself to compromise to where I am and what I face, grabbing by senses and moving on with whatever hope I am left with. Though it may sound way bit silly and irrational, for me, it’s a workable potion to sooth my grieving mind and make me walk past some of those sorrowful days.

Seeing myself busily walking through the pavements of beautiful city, imagining myself writing for a well-known company, picturing myself getting wholeheartedly appreciated for my writings, visualizing myself walking contentedly with a decent paycheck, envisioning myself living that fairy tale life with the man of my dreams; I know they are all too much impossible to think about, yet I dream in my escaping mode, and dream big, even for the momentary happiness and saving a little of it for a long term hope that someday at-least a few of those would turn out true.

I don’t share any of my woes as I hate being a complainer, nagging everyone I know, the reason why I hardly disclose myself to anyone, be it my parents or other family members whom I am close to. The blog has always been a good platform to give vent to my thoughts and feelings, the reason why I’ve made most out of it all these years, without being too divulging. Yet, writing my way out gives me a sense of unaccountable sooth and calmness, along with the strength to move forward boldly. So does the temporary fleeting mode where I dream myself to tranquility.

Those who read me regularly might find it a bit odd that I lament quite a lot sometimes, and I shamelessly admit I do, as my blog is the only friend I have on earth to listen to my blabbers, no matter how senseless and boring they are.