Respect is not anyone's birthright

Despite the fact that vacations to dad’s village always aroused a whole lot of curiosities, the most pronounced one among them was the unreasonable pride of the much strong headed Nairs. Although caste system was not visibly strong, every other Nair in the village was considered themselves elite and superior way above the others or precisely the Ezhavas, Christian, or the Pulayas. This very baseless and imprudent notion was immovably strong, particularly the grownups.

An unpardonable injustice that existed decades before my birth, an unjustifiable and unfair tagging that I would never agree on, the dislike towards people from the lower caste was profound in my dad’s village until a couple of years back. As a child, I was totally new to the idea of caste differences, while the natives including my cousins strongly believed in the so called age-old segregation. I found it quite strange to gulp down the oddity of indescribable discrimination that the snotty upper caste, or the Nairs, showed towards the supposedly lower castes.

There was this Ezhava family close by our ancestral home, with Kunjiraman and Sumathy and their kids who were our immediate neighbors. While Sumathy helped my aunt with household chores, Kunjiraman was the trusted aid to my uncle, and managed our paddy fields, along with rearing and taking care of the cows that we had. Growing up hearing everyone addresses them by name, the entire clan of children at home, except me, too started aping the elders. Much to my disbelief, both Kunjiraman and Sumathy were absolutely fine with this, and never showed any sign of uneasiness. But I couldn’t agree on this gross disrespect and indecency, and addressed them as Kunjiraman cheettan (brother) and Sumathy chechi (sister). Their children too were much elder to me and I addressed them as cheettan (brother) and chechi (sister), for which I was relentlessly mocked by everyone. I never knew my sense of respectfulness would irk people around, but the worst was yet to come. Needless to say, regardless of being right, I became the butt of the jokes for defying the indigenous beliefs by respecting the ‘sub humans’, and giving the rightful dignity they deserved.

Being born to parents who have always been uncompromising when it comes to respecting elders, I knew I was not wrong, however, was badly ridiculed consistently for being respectful to Kunjiraman and family. I was called an outcaste and people left no stones unturned to make a mockery of my innocence and frankness.

Humiliations heaped upon me and I burst in to tears on several occasions. Yet my dad kept asserting that I must address them as cheettan (brother) and chechi (sister), as they were elder to me. I knew my dad was right, and I knew I was right too, but there was no way out to prove myself. It was hard to be a one man army and win over a dominant number of boorish and big-headed people on the other end, who never stopped bullying me for being respectful, not just to Kunjiraman and Sumathy alone, but to everyone whom they called low caste.

Years passed by and with a hectic work life that drains out a whole lot of time from my life, I almost stopped visiting my ancestral village. Yet these memories flashed through my mind the other day, when I read the story ‘Charlis and I”, a stellar piece of writing by Shashi Tharoor. I could very well relate to Neel, the protagonist, as I underwent the same shock and disbelief, when I was scorned for respecting someone who was elder to me, just because he /she belonged to a supposedly lower caste.

Is it time to leave?

I came for an exciting future which has now become a stinking stagnancy from where I desperately want to escape and re-engineer my life. 

It’s my seventh year in the big city, but sadly, I don’t feel it as alluring as it used to be. Far away from the hustle of a metro and the maddening crowd that throngs around, I was brought up in a not-much developed town, way far-off from the big city. Growing up in a traditional middle class family, I was never familiar bewitching cities and addictive lifestyles, as all those were confined only till the television programs that I got to see, after pretty-much 'censoring'. With no Carrie Bradshaws and Lizzie McGuires to boost my rather diminutive dreams, I never aimed big or wished for a world beyond the limited surroundings that I was confined. Moreover, living in an overprotective family that never exposed me to the treachery of the world outside I trusted and believed things and people in the way they appeared to be, and never felt the need to delve deep, as I blindly believed people around and trusted them as I trusted myself.

But destiny had other plans and I moved in to the big city which enticed me with a whole lot off nerve-tingling excitements that were nowhere found back in my home town. Although I was new to the city life and took considerable time for being a part of the fast paced urbanism, I got attuned to the new lifestyle, yet curtailed myself from getting lost in the totally new world that I was in. Months and years passed by, moulding and remoulding me from the much simple, sometimes downright silly, to an independent and serious woman with a vivid idea of how to live and move on, even in the toughest circumstance that I get thrown in to.

The journey was not as easy as I felt it would be. Along with a good share of gains, I got to experience equal or perhaps more share of losses as well, when unexpected happenings unfolded with several unforeseen moments. While small and medium-sized victories brought moments of joy and pride, what fueled my growth more was the hard experiences of being exposed a whole new world without any notions of how it would be. With no idea of people and situations around me, I went on living every day in my own way. I fell down and failed very many times, but stood up again taking-up lessons from every experience, both good and bad, and making them the catalysts to move forward. My never-give-up attitude strengthened me to rise-up from every fall, no matter how wounded I was. Relieving from the burns and wounds, I moved forward each day, leaning on to every single ray of hope that made me dream about a better day and a brighter future.

Outgrowing the pain of being ignored, dejected, back-stabbed, deceived, unrewarded, unheard, and unappreciated was not easy for me, but I fought and won those battles all alone, whilst withdrawing myself and creating a cocoon from where I hardly go out now, to get close to people around, in the way I used to.

I came to explore the city that I'd been dreaming about for so long, but it has nothing more to tingle my senses and excite me to remain here further.

Seven years bygone, and the consistently appealing big city has lost its charm to monotony and lackluster. The sunshine is dulling each day and I want to break free from this long default setting of my life. Life is almost akin to a very mechanically running machinery which keeps moving in the very same way at the very same pace, uninviting and unexciting. On a professional front I am more or less in stagnancy with no upward movement to hope for, while on personal level there’s nothing further to excite and motivate me to remain further. The anticipation that brought me here, the feeling of being on a roller-coaster and waiting for that adventurous start, is no more alive and vivid in my mind. I feel as if I am constantly walking towards boredom and monotony, only to keep pulling me back from reaching there.

Yes, I want to move on and start afresh in another city, possibly unknown and unfamiliar of, preferably far away. Is there any way in which you can help me out?