Who am I?

Who are you? Define yourself? When Shirley came up with this question yesterday I was literally speechless. I was not able to give her an answer. To be frank I'm still pondering what it really means! How to define myself! To be frank I had never thought about this question before and was not able to get the right path of thoughts.

I have to admit that till now someone or the other channelized my thoughts, whether to right or wrong. Whether it injured me or not I always danced according to those tunes. I won a few in my life, but lost many, including a heart that’s now cold & hard, well set to have any number of unpleasant incidents. Career, relationships, money and all other things; I never opened my eyes and looked at them. I always tried to see it through my past. But now I strongly feel that this process of self-discovery, understanding and acceptance will surely help me to get out of the entire crisis that I have been carrying throughout. Now I am taking time to look within and understand me, rather than persistently focusing on what I was without, what I was denied or what I lost.

‘How are you?’ we ask this question a thousand times daily. But no one would ask ‘WHO am I?’ to him/her. When Shirley asked me yesterday it was like a hard slap on my face. Seriously speaking, I had never thought about it till now. To be frank so many questions arrive at my doorstep, about the people I dealt with, the decisions I made; innumerable number of questions I should say. Somehow or the other I am here now, but when I deeply think about this question and try to understand me more I see a new Anjana before me. I feel as if I was just trying to become someone or something throughout these years that I think would have made me happy. I tried stepping into jobs & friendships that were not satisfying me. My eyes were totally veiled by a mirage like ambiguity till now, not really knowing who I am.

Well, to know ‘Who I am?’ I think I should first know ‘Who I am not?’ Because I now feel that I am not what I do mostly in life these days or who other people want me to be.
The answer to ‘Who am I?’ is coming out with the distinctiveness in me; what makes you happy? What excites me? What scares me? What makes me feel lively inside? Who am I when no one else is around me?

I am trying to peel out the back layers to get the real me inside it. The layers include what I was told to be, who I believed I should be, the false personas that I developed, either to tackle or to cover-up my unpleasant experiences.

I know that this is not easy, as the process of becoming clear is like a course that never ends. The dead and decayed layers have to go from me to make me clearer. This blog is my first step to start self discovery.

I am gonna start with the small tip that I got yesterday from her. She said to write about me sincerely just like how we do in slam books. I am gonna write about me, my likes and dislikes, to know my core qualities that make me unique. I know that it is not as easy as I write SEO works, yet I have gained the determination to do that at any cost.

I am planning to spend some time on this exercise for the next few days and see what the outcome is. I know very well that self-discovery is timeless. But I am not planning to beat my head up against the wall to figure out what I want and how to get it. I am gathering the potential to be patient to set my intention to find more about me!

I am giving up my greatest addiction

To give up something that we love the most, is very difficult, and rather challenging. One such was my addiction to coffee that our ‘chaya cheettan’ brings (Though he brings coffee more than tea, we call him ‘chaya cheettan’, (for the non natives- chaya in Malayalam means tea) for reasons unknown.).

In the beginning I didn’t have much interest in the grotesquely bitter taste of the coffee, as I was a tea lover. But slowly I started finding it difficult to survive without coffee.

Yes, caffeine, the magic potion that made me do innumerable things at a time, without getting tired, was slowly overpowering me.

Usually we get the coffee by 12 noon, as ours is the last session of his journey throughout the city. So the coffee comes just half an hour before our lunch. I fell madly in love with that coffee and was slowly getting addicted to it. The addiction became clear when I couldn't have that cofee, as he didn't turn up with coffee one day. I started feeling restless and uneasy, a kind of‘withdrawal symptom’ I should say. This got repeated for a few more times, whenever he didn’t turn up, making it clear that the coffee was overpowering me. The funniest part of the story is that, I have this irritation only when I am in the office, and not at home, or in the hostel.

So on one fine day, I took the boldest decision to stop coffee. I was sure that it would be the most difficult task, as I was addicted to a-coffee-a-day habit, and had this as a part of my life for almost one and a half years. The lovely aroma of the coffee that ‘chaya chettan’ brings had thus almost seduced me by that time. As I said I rarely bother about it when I am at home. It’s a working day syndrome.

The very next day when ‘chaya cheettan’ came with a tray full of cups of coffee I purposefully ignored it. If I look at them my hands will involuntarily rise to take up one from them. He served the coffee to all my colleagues and left. I watched him going out and felt upset. Yes, the withdrawal symptoms were slowly rising in me. I tried to concentrate on my work, but headache and irritation persisted the whole day, and I just managed to do the work and reached hostel soon and had my tea.

The symptoms were much less the next day.

Gone cold turkey literally, as it’s my Day 5 without coffee and seems I have tried to overcome my withdrawal symptoms to a considerable extend.

The headaches and irritations at the beginning were so bad, but now, a kinda ok. I drink water or have some fruits at the coffee time, and satisfy myself, while the others have the yummy coffee… But no more nightmarish nasty consequences of caffeine dear guys...…