Rape jokes aren't funny

Metaphors and analogies – we use them a lot every day in our conversations. When we use the right ones at the right time in the right way, they help communicate easily and add clarity and precision. When it comes to clear and meaningful communication, metaphors and analogies are almost hard to beat. There is nothing wrong with metaphors and analogies, by all means, but some of them are distasteful, clumsy, and sickening. Let me give you an example - Some people use the word "rape" to callously to refer to something bad, or they draw parallels between “rape” and anything and everything bad or inconvenient. 

When the word "rape" is flippantly used, it trivializes the real-life experience of rape survivors across the world. Remember how the world cracked up to the ‘balatkar’ joke in “3 Idiots”? It reeked of misogyny and sexism, but it never raised any eyebrows back then.  Cracking such jokes have become the new normal these days, and this MUST stop. In NO contexts can such things be said. Yet, even now, they find their way through the conversations of some people out there.

It is a pity that some people still find it hard to understand why rape jokes and metaphors are a no-no. Rape is a horrendous crime. We should not trivialize it with such metaphors and analogies and disregard the physical and mental trauma that the survivors go through. And if one is saying, "I have the right to free speech!",  that person should take a moment to gauge the impact of that joke on a sexual assault survivor. When rape jokes and metaphors become a part of day-to-day conversations, listeners get conditioned to ignore and normalize sexual assaults. Such conversations perpetuate rape culture and defend the behavior of the abuser as ‘normal’ and ‘regular’. Can we let that happen? NO, we cannot! When someone draws attention to this sexist behavior, the world around feels that he/she is blowing things out of proportion. 

A few months back, an actor who prides herself of being self-made and claims to have a voice of her own made an appalling statement on national television. She compared the demolition of her office space to being raped, and said: “I felt like I was raped, I felt violated mentally and psychologically.” Is it right to proffer an argument and find justification by drawing such analogies? No matter how grievous her pain is, it is never right to compare it with a horrific and heinous crime like rape. We have seen many other instances where both the well-known and the not-so-well-known have used the rape jokes and metaphors to make their point. A so-called superstar once compared his strenuous shooting experience to the condition of a "raped woman". How can they simply belittle the extent and danger of this crime? I am still not able to wrap my head around this. When they try to draw distasteful comparisons between a difficult situation they have been through and a horrendous crime like rape, they are making a mockery of every woman, man, and child who has been a victim of this horrifying and unpardonable crime.  Such analogies and metaphors dial down the intensity and criminality of the crime. They also make the victims hesitant to opening up or seeking help. 

According to the National Crimes Records Bureau (NCRB), India recorded 88 rape cases every day in 2019. 2020 is no different. Hardly a day goes by without reading news reports on rape sexual violence against women and children. Yet, some people irresponsibly use rape analogies and jokes now and then to prove their points. It is high time to raise our collective voices against the use of rape jokes and metaphors. We should stop this right away!

Depression: Yes, it’s real

Ever heard of a disease that does not show up in your blood test; does not cause any visible symptoms like runny nose, headache, or rashes; or is not visible under a microscope? Yes, it exists, and doctors call it depression. This is an issue that touches millions of lives across the world, but it is hard to pin it down. I know that because and I have dealt with it in the past.

For a major part of my life, on certain days, I battled with an unexplainable state of unhappiness. The occasional down days used to take a toll on my body and mind. The symptoms were evident - my self-esteem hit rock bottom, I ate like a horse, I remained active and happy at one moment and gloomy and aloof the next, I broke down to tears for the silliest of the reasons and fought with on-and-off suicidal thoughts. The miserable health condition reared its ugly head from time to time. Yes, there was a problem to deal with, but I never acknowledged it.

Deep within, I was not ready to deal with the stigmatization and prejudices of society. I didn't want to go down that road. The embarrassment and the fear of putting myself in that awkward spot were hard to deal with. I felt that it will aggravate my condition, so I chose to remain in the state of denial for a very long time. When depression overpowered me, it felt like nothing in this world could help me feel good. But here is the difficult part - I hated to admit that I needed help. Yes, I was in a state of denial for several years. This denial exacerbated my sufferings, and the glitch in my head-space worsened.

From adverse childhood experiences to getting bullied at workplaces, life took me through all sort of dark phases until my mid-twenties. I know that some unpleasant experiences are inevitable in the journey of life. But I had a barrage of them for a very long time, and they left me with deep scars that covered every inch of my heart. The pain I felt was indescribable, almost ready to engulf me and leave me incapacitated. I tried my best to put a brave face in front of my family, friends, and colleagues, but some of them noticed that something was amiss. I saw myself switching from extreme happiness to extreme sadness regularly. I cried often and without any provocation. People called me dramatic, moody, and a cry baby, but that was my way of asking for help. But I was always made to feel that what I was going through due to my fault.

After the long and exhausting battle, a colleague brought a ray of hope in my life. His solacing words helped me amass the courage to put an end to the pain and denial that I was forcing on myself. I knew that I would not be able to snap out of the persistent feelings of sadness and despair. But I didn't want to keep quiet anymore and let the pain and stigma win over me. I was desperate for help, but I was too ashamed to ask until my colleague made me understand that there is nothing embarrassing about asking for help. So, after a long journey through darkness, the light dawned upon me, and I realized that it is better to fix than to ignore it. So I decided to ask for help.

Soon I found myself sitting in a therapist’s room for a counseling session. The first step to recovery, as always, to start an honest conversation. It was hard to figure out who is the best person to talk to - a family member or a doctor. I kept worrying about the likely responses, and I feared that a wrong response (verbal or otherwise) would hamper my healing efforts. Keeping this in mind, I chose to speak to an experienced doctor. I wanted to have an honest conversation with someone who is knowledgeable and whose job is to help people like me. While opening up to a family member or friend has its perks, the downside is the lack of proper medical attention that is imperative to kick-start the healing process.

I had apprehensions, a lot of them. I felt he might throw some serious medications my way, but he did not put me into any medication. Akin to other illnesses, I felt medication is the preliminary step on the road to healing. But I was wrong. The initial session was quite a big surprise - his first step was to listen to me. I spoke about an hour –I laughed and cried, reminiscing every depressive moment of the past. He listened like a friend: a loving an empathetic friend. He didn't interrupt me even once. He held my arms when I cried my eyes out. While I unfolded all the thoughts and emotions, current and bygone, he gathered all data about my life and the agony I was fighting with. I was frank and specific about every information that I shared. I was no longer embarrassed, and I didn’t have even an iota of worry about social stigma. All that I had in mind was the immense need for a long-term healing process. 

Seeking help is a sign of strength. It's not a weakness. A heart-to-heart conversation with someone you trust is the best way to get rid of negative toxic feelings and seek the much-needed help. It will also give you a fresh perspective on life along with a new pair of lenses to view life from. Although medication can relieve the symptoms of depression, it is not ideal for long-term use. Other methods - including exercise, therapy, positive conversations, and lifestyle changes such as self-care - can go a long way, and they can be more effective than medication. Always remember that the treatment will take time and commitment and that’s quite normal. You may face ups and downs intermittently, and the journey can sometimes be overwhelming and frustratingly slow. But never give up!

There is a strong social stigma attached to depression. This negative stigma makes people feel embarrassed to confess the way they’re feeling, For fear of being named and shamed, people are hesitant to reach out for help and to talk. First of all, if you are suffering from depression, you are not responsible for it. So, do not blame yourself for what you are going through. Furthermore, if you refuse to seek help, it will not make you strong, tough, or self-reliant; it will only make you stubborn and will likely aggravate what you are dealing with. Seek help as early as you can.