Why I didn't speak up

It takes a lot of time and effort to land a job interview, and it gets a lot more difficult during the coronavirus pandemic. I attended an interview yesterday, and I was super excited about it.  Everything was hunky-dory until the hiring manager dared to make a comment with sexual innuendo. Yes, he said that during a Zoom call while the owner of the company, a woman, was listening to the entire conversation. In the garb of a joke, what he said in Malayalam, our mother tongue, was downright offensive and sexual in every possible way. Then he laughed off as if the comment was far from demeaning. The owner, a non-Malayalee, couldn’t decipher that his comment was gross and disgusting. She dismissed it as a causal joke.

I couldn't. I was shocked and was not in a position to talk. It took a few seconds for me to gather my thoughts and mumble out a reply. After the call, I spoke to the owner of the company and politely declined the opportunity.

But the incident got me thinking. Should I have done it differently? But then again, I cannot even imagine working with a man who unapologetically makes sexual comments at work. Should I have called him out? I wanted to, but I focused more on ending the conversation without being rude, disrespectful, or unprofessional. Yes, I chose silence instead of career suicide, shaming, and depression. Many women like me face such experiences in silence to keep career wheels running on the track. I know I should not have done that, but I did not want to put my career on the line. 

Why do we suffer in silence? Why do we let harassers get away with what they do to us? I think it is due to our innate fear of not wanting to be branded as “troublemaker”. Another reason is the fear of losing potential career opportunities. We also dread the possibilities of character assassination. Even if we muster the courage to speak up and take a strong stand, our words either fall on deaf ears or we are told not to make a "fuss" about "it". It is sad that harassers always get defensive and justify their actions, and those who rally around to support them will jump in and pronounce the verdict that the women who complained are "overreacting" or might have "misunderstood" the men in question. Or worse, together they ostracize and penalize women who are bold enough to stand up against what is wrong.

I wanted to stand up for myself and give a piece of my mind to the man who humiliated me. But I took a step back and told myself to let go. Apart from shaming and psychological trauma, I was afraid of retaliation as well. I was facing a man who is way up on the hierarchy ladder and has power and authority at his disposal. It means standing up for myself or going public will disrupt my life in unimaginable ways. I have to earn my bread and butter and support my family. So, I chose my career over my self-respect; and to avoid bad blood, I hid in the garb of silence. You may disagree with me and the way I rationalize my silence, but I also know that no one will support me if I dare to speak out. 

When the offender holds a high job status than me, silence will help safeguard the career I built up with years of sweat and blood. Yes, the price of speaking up can be high. So, I could not speak up, or I chose not to speak up. Instead, I chose my blog as a cathartic outlet to jot down my experience. This honest and unreserved account of what I went through is my way of unburdening the shame and anger that I've been carrying for the last few days.

As long as men dominate the positions of power and women like me live with the fear of being at the receiving end of backlash, I think silence is the best way to stay afloat peacefully. As we all know, the corporate world is a male terrain. So why invite trouble by speaking up when one can choose stay silent, walk away, and let karma do it's thing?

Love without expectations

I met someone.

We had feelings for each other.

As the feelings got stronger, we got into a relationship.

The relationship turned into love and got immensely serious.

We loved each other like dew’s love for parched leaves.

Until…

Expectations uprooted whatever we had between us.

And we parted ways to never meet again.

Have you been there, done that, and wished you hadn't? If so, you and I made the same mistake - We believed that love is a two-way street. We always carried the misguided belief that it is ok to have expectations in love. That’s exactly where we were wrong. 

So, together let’s correct that mistake. Before we go any further, let me ask you this simple question - Is love a one-way street/a two-way street? If you are wondering why I asked the question, here is the answer – Now, I think love is/should be a one-way street. 

Let me explain why. When you start expecting reciprocity, or has a slew of expectations, you will always expect the other person to live up to them. And at some point, if that person lets you down or leaves you, your world comes crashing down on you. That's exactly how you will feel until you muster the strength and positivity to move on. Trust me, I’ve been there, and that is the worst feeling ever. In every love story that turns cold over time, the culprit is almost always the expectations that partners have of each other.  You start knowing you partner, get intimate, and walk hand in hand along the path towards fulfilling love; yes, expectations can obviously happen. When those expectations aren’t met, you get heartbroken. 

Expectations make you feel entrapped, and pain becomes the new normal, because you always expect your partner to say/do certain things, but he/she may fail at times. What if you deliberately avoid keeping any expectations? Unlike the common perception, selflessness and living without expectations is not a tightrope walk where there is always the risk of slipping or falling. It’s all about having the will and confidence to love with the strong belief that you have nothing to lose when you love someone without expecting anything in return.  If you can do that, you will stop ruminating on reciprocity. You will be more mindful and will learn to live in the moment. 

They say love happens when two people feel the same way. For me, love can happen even if the feeling is one-sided. Here is the caveat – Do not expect anything return, be it love or friendship. You love someone because you want to, and that’s a conscious choice you make. Despite all the flaws, you love him/her every single day, because you want to. However, the problem arises when you are hell-bent on wanting the same amount of love in return, or you want to end up with the person you choose to love.  If the other person fails to reciprocate the same feelings, you will feel angry and betrayed. 

The question here is, who is the reason behind the pain and agony? It’s you. Let’s look at it objectively. You entered the relationship with a long checklist. Without knowing what your partner’s feelings are, you kept yearning for his/her time, affection, comfort, support, and undivided attention. In other words, you entered the relationship with a clear agenda in mind.

Does that mean wanting all of these is bad, or wanting to be loved, is wrong. I am not saying it is wrong, in fact, the desire to be loved is quite natural. However, when it becomes contractual, and when both partners have a slew of agendas, things can become very problematic. You end up bargaining, and you end up losing each other. 

Does that mean one should fail to draw boundaries, settle for being used and unloved, and let the other person take all intimate benefits? No, absolutely not! While you try to establish a special and selfless relationship that is free from selfishness and possessiveness of any sort, protect yourself from being exploited. Make sure that your relationship is healthy and is built on mutual respect. This will help protect yourself from pain and loss of self-esteem and sanity. 

When it comes to figuring out if someone is using you, or is emotionally manipulative, here is my advice - always trust your instincts, because those are messages that come straightaway from your soul.  If you do not want to be near that person, do not dwell too much on it, instead cut them out of your life completely. However, that should not rob you of the ability to love without any expectations. Less expectations =  less disappointments and more peace of mind.

Do not expect a relationship to happen; if it works out, perfect, if not, move on! After all, we only have one life to live. There is no pause or rewind button.